Death, Sex & Money

Death, Sex & 2020

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Mon, 28 Dec 2020 12:00:00 -0500

In 2020, we put out more than 60 episodes of Death, Sex & Money—far more than we've ever put out in a year before. We decided early on in the pandemic that we wanted to be there for our listeners during this especially difficult and isolating time.

This year, we heard from essential workers, from Black listeners processing police violence and injustice, and from many people losing loved ones and missing important milestones, all while isolated from each other. We also shared the books and the podcasts we love, came up with a tool kit for how to pass the time, and tried to find moments of joy.

Today, the Death, Sex & Money team reflects on highlights from this year’s episodes, and we check in with a few of the listeners we got to know this year.

Want to revisit some of our favorite episodes this year? Here's our essential workers episode, our Financial Therapy conversation with Frenchie, the live conversations with Back Issue hosts Tracy Clayton and Josh Gwynn and author Akwaeke Emezi, our episode on conversations in immigrant families, part one of our Skin Hunger collaboration, our update with Sharron, and our Game Changer episode featuring Shelby Harris.

And if you want to support our work in the new year and beyond, go to deathsexmoney.org/donate and make a year-end contribution. Thank you!

All That 2020 Has Taken From Us

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Wed, 16 Dec 2020 12:00:00 -0500

"I guess 2020 just cost me hope."

Follow our show on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram @deathsexmoney. Got a story to share? Email us any time at deathsexmoney@wnyc.org. And support our work at deathsexmoney.org/donate.

Sign up for our newsletter and we'll keep you up to date about what's happening behind the scenes at Death, Sex & Money. Plus, we'll send you audio recommendations, letters from our inbox and a note from Anna. Join the Death, Sex & Money community and subscribe today.

Stuck Apart, And Falling In Love

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Tue, 08 Dec 2020 12:00:00 -0500

51 years after they went to prom together, a couple reconnects and falls in love during the pandemic. But despite being 15 minutes apart, they're waiting to see each other in person.

Thanks to our friends at NPR's It's Been A Minute With Sam Sanders for collaborating with us on this week's episode. Check out their episode, about being stuck together during the pandemic, by finding them wherever you get your podcasts.

Follow our show on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram @deathsexmoney. Got a story to share? Email us any time at deathsexmoney@wnyc.org. And support our work at deathsexmoney.org/donate.

And stay in touch with us! Sign up for our newsletter and we'll keep you up to date about what's happening behind the scenes at Death, Sex & Money. Plus, we'll send you audio recommendations, letters from our inbox and a note from Anna. Join the Death, Sex & Money community and subscribe today.

Living Alone and Liking It. Sometimes.

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Wed, 02 Dec 2020 12:00:00 -0500

During a time when a lot of us are feeling isolated, we revisit your stories about living alone—with all its perks and drawbacks.

Follow our show on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram @deathsexmoney. Got a story to share? Email us any time at deathsexmoney@wnyc.org. And support our work at deathsexmoney.org/donate.

Miguel Gutierrez's Strongly Worded Emails About Art and Money

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Wed, 25 Nov 2020 12:00:00 -0500

This past March, choreographer Miguel Gutierrez posted a call on his Instagram. It asked performing arts institutions to honor their commitments to artists like him, who were no longer able to perform publicly because of the pandemic. "The first thing I noticed was all the cancellation emails and their complete, uh, lack of acknowledgement of a financial component," Miguel told me. "Like, you have the money in your budget, right? So pay me."

While Miguel wanted to make sure he was compensated for his work, he also told me that he's been reexamining his relationship to performing. "There's a whole other part of me that’s like, do I ever want to tour again, actually?" he told me. "I actually crave certain kinds of normalcy that are just part of other people's lives." We talked about the years it took for him to learn how to manage his finances as someone living gig-to-gig, how getting sober helped him get out of years of debt, and how he was able to make ends meet this year.

I Killed Someone. Now I Study Police Violence.

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Wed, 18 Nov 2020 12:00:00 -0500

Tom Baker is getting his PhD in criminology, and as part of his research he's spent hours watching and studying police shootings. "The goal is to identify...things that police are doing that could be changed in some fundamental way, or maybe just tweaked in a slight way, so that you reduce the number of officer-involved shootings and police related deaths," he told me.

This research is personal for Tom. In 2009, while he was working as a police officer in Phoenix, he shot and killed a man while on an off-duty security shift. The killing was determined to be legally justified, but Tom has struggled with it more and more. "You live in a culture where taking a life is the worst thing you can do," Tom told me. "I was trying to do what I thought was the right thing....But then when I didn't feel guilty about it and I didn't feel bad about it, I think the initial thing was feeling, feeling wrong for feeling that way. So feeling guilty for not feeling guilty."

Tom left the police force in 2014. But he remains connected to that community, while also forging new relationships within the academic world. "I feel like I'm sort of like straddling the fault line in our country right now," he said. "I don't know if I'm going to just fall into the chasm."

Police killings are not tracked federally, but are tracked by several organizations, including Mapping Police Violence, Fatal Encounters and The Washington Post. A recent study using data from Fatal Encounters examined the risk of being killed by police use of force by age, race-ethnicity and sex, and found that black men are 2.5 times more likely than white men to be killed by police. And while police killings nationally have remained somewhat steady since 2013, the number of deaths in cities have dipped, while the number of deaths in suburban and rural areas has risen. In 98% of cases since 2013, police faced no charges after killing someone.

To read Tom Baker's article in The Guardian, click here.

51 Years Loving A Man Named Sissy

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Wed, 11 Nov 2020 12:00:00 -0500

Last year, we met Sissy and Vickie Goodwin, a Wyoming couple who had been married for 50 years. Around the time they started their lives together, Vickie learned of a secret Sissy had been harboring since childhood: a preference for feminine clothing and cross-dressing in private. Vickie was accepting of it, until Sissy started wearing skirts, dresses and frills in public—something she says took her years to understand. "Sissy and I were kind of out here in the Wyoming wilderness figuring this out together," Vickie told me. "And I'm really glad we did."

A few months after we met the couple, Sissy started having problems with memory and fatigue. This winter, he was diagnosed with stage four brain cancer, and quickly entered hospice. He died on March 7—the same day the Wyoming State legislature recognized Sissy with a resolution, honoring his lifetime of achievements, including "bringing gender independence to the Equality State."

"I read it to him," Vickie told me. "I think it did touch his heart."

The resolution honoring Sissy from the Wyoming State Legislature.

(Vickie Goodwin)

What’s Going On In Your Immigrant Family's Group Chat?

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Wed, 28 Oct 2020 12:00:00 -0400

This past summer, as protests were erupting across the U.S. in response to George Floyd's death, racism and police brutality, producer Afi Yellow-Duke and I started talking about the conversations she was having with her family. Her parents both immigrated to the U.S. from other countries—Nigeria and Haiti—and Afi said that the discussions her family was having, about belonging and race and identity, felt complicated. And really interesting.

Afi was curious about what's been going on in other immigrant families' conversations this year. So we asked those of you in immigrant families to tell us. In this episode, hosted by Afi, we hear about how some of you are talking with with your immigrant parents, siblings and extended family about the Black Lives Matter movement, systemic racism in the U.S., the upcoming election, and more.

Alice Wong On Ruckuses, Rage And Medicaid

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Wed, 21 Oct 2020 12:00:00 -0400

The disability rights activist talks with me about facing discrimination as a teenager, managing her finances, and planning for her and her parents' futures.

Follow our show on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram @deathsexmoney. Got a story to share? Email us any time at deathsexmoney@wnyc.org. And support our work at deathsexmoney.org/donate.

Audio We Love Fest: California Love

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Thu, 15 Oct 2020 12:00:00 -0400

Our weeklong audio celebration wraps up with a conversation between a mother and son about immigrating, building a home, and appreciating Los Angeles.

Subscribe to California Love from LAist Studios wherever you get your podcasts. Then tune in tomorrow, October 16th, at 7 pm ET, as we end the festival week with a live Zoom show with Tracy Clayton and Josh Gwynn, hosts of one of our favorite new podcasts, Back Issue. Josh and Tracy are going to tell me about some of the things they're turning to for joy in a year when that's hard to come by—it's going to be a really good time. More info here.

Follow our show on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram @deathsexmoney. Got a story to share? Email us any time at deathsexmoney@wnyc.org. And support our work at deathsexmoney.org/donate.

Audio We Love Fest: Constellation Prize

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Wed, 14 Oct 2020 12:00:00 -0400

When producer Bianca Giaever found herself feeling especially lonely, she decided to look for a stranger who was feeling lonely, too. In the basement of a Brooklyn church, she met Sophia, a former professor-turned-crossing guard. As they developed a relationship, Bianca recorded conversations with Sophia at her home and in her crosswalk, about everything from faith to divorce to gratitude for what we've been given.

She chronicles their friendship in a beautiful episode of her podcast Constellation Prize, called Crossing Guard, and we're sharing it with you today as part of our first-ever Audio We Love Festival.

Subscribe to Constellation Prize from The Believer Magazine wherever you get your podcasts. They've also offered a special 20% discount to our listeners. Just enter the code "DSM" at checkout. Then tune in on Friday, October 16th, as we end the festival week with a live Zoom show with Tracy Clayton and Josh Gwynn, hosts of one of our favorite new podcasts, Back Issue. Josh and Tracy are going to tell me about some of the things they're turning to for joy in a year when that's hard to come by—it's going to be a really good time. More info here.

Audio We Love Fest: Goodbye To All This

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Tue, 13 Oct 2020 12:00:00 -0400

Every week in the Death, Sex & Money newsletter, we share some of our recent favorite listens with you in our "Audio We Love" section. There are so many great podcasts to listen to...but so little time to discover them. So this week, we're taking our recommendations a step further, and sharing episodes of some of our favorite new shows with you, right here in the feed.

First up is Goodbye To All This, a brand new show from the BBC World Service, written and hosted by Australian producer Sophie Townsend. It's a beautiful series about losing her husband to lung cancer, quickly and unexpectedly, and how she and her two young daughters grieved him. The show launched this week, and all twelve episodes are going to be released weekly wherever you get your podcasts.

Subscribe to Goodbye To All This from the BBC World Service wherever you get your podcasts. Then tune in on Friday, October 16th, as we end our festival week with a live Zoom show with Tracy Clayton and Josh Gwynn, hosts of one of our favorite new podcasts, Back Issue. Josh and Tracy are going to tell me about some of the things they're turning to for joy in a year when that's hard to come by—it's going to be a really good time. More info here.

Getting Real About Getting Older

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Wed, 07 Oct 2020 12:00:00 -0400

The United States is a country that’s rapidly aging. According to Census Bureau estimates, the number of people over 65 in the U.S. will nearly double over the next 40 years. They’re also working later, living alone more frequently, and facing financial hardship. And of course, there’s now the pandemic. 80% of COVID-related deaths in the United States have been among people over 65. I see these statistics a lot, but I don’t hear much about what it’s like to be over 60. I don’t think that as a culture, we talk enough about getting older, and when we do, we don’t often do it well. It's time to have better conversations about aging—and we're going to do it with the help of veteran public radio anchor Jo Ann Allen.

Jo Ann is the host of the podcast Been There Done That, a show about and for the Baby Boom generation. As she tells me, even as she's learned to navigate uncertainty about financial stability and her fears of COVID-19, she wouldn't trade this period of life for anything. "I am 67 years old, and I am really into older people!" she says. "I love, without a doubt, up and down, over and under, in and out, being an older person and getting older." Over the next few weeks, Jo Ann is going to be stepping into the host chair and recording some interviews with older listeners in our audience about what it's like to be aging, and what questions are coming up for you—especially in this moment. I can't wait for you to meet her.

Jo Ann and her dad, who lived to 103.

(Courtesy photo)

Are you over 60? We want to hear from you! What's your life look like right now? How are you feeling your age differently this year compared to last year? You can send an email to us, at deathsexmoney@wnyc.org. You can call us and leave a message, at (917) 740-6549. Or you can record a voice memo on your phone, and email it as an attachment to deathsexmoney@wnyc.org. And if you're not over 60, you can still help us by spreading the word, and sending this episode to someone in your life who is.

And make sure to check out Jo Ann's podcast, Been There Done That. We particularly like the episode "Betty," in which she talks to her older sister about surviving coronavirus.

Game Changer: A BMX Olympic Hopeful Looks To 2021

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Wed, 30 Sep 2020 12:00:00 -0400

As soon as it was announced in 2016 that BMX freestyle would become an Olympic event, Chelsea Wolfe knew she was going for a spot on the team. "Growing up as a woman in BMX, you don't really get that opportunity to see a future for yourself and doing it professionally," Chelsea told me when we talked this summer. "As soon as they said the Olympics are involved, it just changed the game for all of us."

Since then, Chelsea has been working hard to make the Olympic team—enduring big training injuries and a lot of paperwork along the way. As a trans woman, Chelsea had to have her testosterone levels checked and documented regularly before she could even start to compete in qualifying events. "I spent from 2016 to 2018 just purely training and then doing the behind the scenes work of getting all of my paperwork in order," she told me. "And then right as soon as things start to look great, just, boom! Coronavirus happens and everything is shut down."

Want to see Chelsea in action? Watch her competing at the BMX Freestyle Park World Cup in Japan last year.

This episode is part of our series Game Changer, about how the COVID-19 pandemic has upended the lives and livelihoods of athletes. Make sure to check out the previous two episodes, about a high-risk NFL player's decision to participate in this year's season, and a Minor League Baseball player who's dealing with the fallout of a cancelled season and contract.

Game Changer: Whether To Play, And Protest, In The NFL

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Fri, 25 Sep 2020 12:00:00 -0400

Shelby Harris uses inhalers daily to treat his asthma, and worries about what getting COVID would do to his lungs. But when he was given the choice to opt out of the 2020-21 NFL season, the Broncos defensive lineman—now on his seventh season in the NFL—knew he wouldn't take that path. "That could be the end of your career," Shelby told me. "It's just going to be young players that come in and perform, and that's how you get your spot taken."

Shelby is now getting tested for COVID almost daily, and wears a tracker while at NFL facilities to monitor whether he's exposed to anyone who tests positive. But his season looks different in other ways than he thought it would too—including the amount of money he's making, and the way he's protesting racism and police violence during games. Shelby is currently wearing Elijah McClain's name on his helmet, and as the National Anthem played during the Broncos home opener this year, Shelby took a knee for the first time since 2017. "I'm doing this because I need to be able to look my kids in the eye when I get older and told them I fought for them," Shelby said. "I want to figure out something that's actually going to make a change."

This episode is part of our series Game Changer, about how the COVID-19 pandemic has upended the lives and livelihoods of athletes. Look out for the next episode in the series on Wednesday.

Game Changer: A Minor League Pitcher's Lost Season

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Wed, 23 Sep 2020 12:00:00 -0400

Mitch Horacek started the baseball pre-season in Florida, at minor league spring training for the Minnesota Twins. He'd just been signed by the team months before, after seven long years of playing on a low-paying contract for the Rockies. And he felt like it was going to be a big season. "I was probably slated for AAA baseball this year, which is the closest level to the big leagues," Mitch told me when we talked in August. "I do believe that if the season happened this year and I was pitching well right about now, and there was a spot open, it could have been my number that was called."

But the minor league season didn't happen—it was cancelled this spring. Mitch wasn't invited to make his major league debut with the Twins, as he'd hoped. And rather than making the salary Mitch had negotiated with Twins—one that paid him much more than he'd been making for the past seven years—he ended up getting paid a weekly stipend that amounted to $400 a week before taxes. "It is something," he said. "But it's a long shot from what I was expecting."

This episode is part of our series Game Changer, about how the COVID-19 pandemic has upended the lives and livelihoods of athletes. Look out for the next episode in the series on Friday.

How Maria Hinojosa Learned To Fluff Her Feathers

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Wed, 16 Sep 2020 12:00:00 -0400

The journalist talks about building up her confidence in the world of media, and reaching a breaking point in her marriage that led her to reevaluate her priorities.

This episode includes a description of a rape.

Want to check out or add to our Pandemic Tool Kit? Visit deathsexmoney.org/pandemictoolkit.

Follow our show on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram @deathsexmoney. Got a story to share? Email us any time at deathsexmoney@wnyc.org. And support our work at deathsexmoney.org/donate.

A Broadway Actor Turned Stay-At-Home Dad

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Fri, 11 Sep 2020 12:00:00 -0400

Last week, we released an episode about the many challenges of childcare in America right now. We talked with a childcare provider in Pittsburgh, Lesely Crawford, whose centers are currently open. And, we heard from a parent, Cara Moody, who’s depending on Lesely's daycare centers so she can go back to work.

But we’ve also heard from a lot of you who haven’t had access to childcare in recent months. And who have had to make big changes in the way you’re taking care of your kids. One of the people who wrote in to us is named Bill Army. He's a Broadway actor who lives in Queens, New York, and has two daughters. We're sharing his voice memo with you today, about the adjustments his family has made, and about the ways he's kept his kids connected with the world outside of their apartment.

Find more photos of Bill and his family at our Instagram page. Looking for our Pandemic Tool Kit? Click here.

Supreme Court Justice Sotomayor On Racism, Insecurity and Negotiation

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Wed, 09 Sep 2020 12:00:00 -0400

"Through and through I'm a lawyer and a judge," says U.S. Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor. "But my life experiences do permit me to see things that others may not."

Before the Justice became a lawyer and a judge, she was a young woman growing up in the Nuyorican community in the South Bronx—just a few years behind Death, Sex & Money guest host Sonia Manzano, who also grew up there. The two didn't meet until a few years ago, but their childhoods had some similarities: Money was tight, their parents' relationships were troubled, and both of their fathers struggled with alcoholism. But unlike Sonia Manzano's father, who lived well into his 80s, the Justice's father died when she was nine years old. "I’ve often wondered if the outcome of my life would have been the same if my father had remained alive," the Justice says. "I think the absence of that constant battle made a big difference in my self-perceptions."

Sonia asks the Justice about facing and overcoming insecurities throughout her life—including on her first day as a Supreme Court Justice. "Anyone presented with a new challenge has to always have that moment of insecurity, of not knowing whether they can do it," the Justice says. "I live with that. I've lived with it my entire life....The first day that I was on the bench was for the now quite famed case, Citizens United. And my knees were knocking even then. But what got me over that moment...was to become totally engaged in what was happening before me, and the knocking finally stopped without my realizing it."

This episode is part of our 2016 Great Guest Takeover series, when several past guests took a turn in the host chair during Anna's maternity leave. Check out Sonia Manzano's 2015 interview with Anna on Death, Sex & Money here.

To listen to our 2016 Other Americans call-in special, click here. And to add to and browse our Pandemic Tool Kit, click here.

Drop Off: A 24-Hour Daycare's Struggle To Stay Open

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Wed, 02 Sep 2020 12:00:00 -0400

Lesely Crawford runs two daycare centers in Pittsburgh—both of which are open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. "It's like a hodgepodge of craziness," she told me, as she described their sleeping arrangements and what each age group of kids likes to do while they're there. "But it's so awesome when we have the whole space filled with everybody."

These days, though, Lesely's daycares are operating at less than half of the capacity that they normally do. Many families haven't returned, since the centers reopened to children of non-essential workers. There are additional costs, for things like thermometers and cleaning supplies. And in order to accommodate new families, Lesely needs to hire a few new employees—something that has proved difficult during the pandemic. "I don't know what we're gonna do," Lesely told me, when I asked about their financial situation. "I'm really giving it like six to eight months."

But for the essential and frontline workers who are sending their children to them, Lesely's daycares are providing a critical service. Cara Moody has sent her five-year-old son Colton there for the past two years, and depends on their evening and weekend hours while she works her shifts at a local restaurant. Especially now that her work hours are limited by the pandemic, she can't afford in-home care. "Even just having a babysitter come for a couple of hours is expensive and unreliable," she said. When I asked her what she would do if Lesely's daycare closed, she responded, "I have no idea."

Books We Love: Inside The Bubble With Akwaeke Emezi

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Wed, 26 Aug 2020 12:00:00 -0400

The third conversation in our "Books We Love" live Zoom series is with writer and artist Akwaeke Emezi. In the last two years, they've published three books: their critically-acclaimed debut, Freshwater; a young adult novel, Pet; and their newest novel, The Death of Vivek Oji. Their latest book tells the story of Vivek, a young gender-nonconforming person growing up in Nigeria, and how his loved ones grieve him and what they learn about him after his death.

Akwaeke joined me on Zoom from their home in New Orleans to talk about their own childhood in Nigeria, why they now identify as "based in liminal spaces," gardening as a form of self-care, and how the act of dissociation has become a powerful tool for them.

You can watch the video of this live conversation here, thanks to our friends at The Greene Space. For the first two conversations in this series, you can watch or listen to Michael Arceneaux here, and watch or listen to Aminatou Sow and Ann Friedman here. And be sure to check out Akwaeke's home on Instagram.

To find out about the next conversation in our series, and to get more recommendations from the Death, Sex & Money team, subscribe to our newsletter.

"They Rely On Me": An Update From A USPS Mail Carrier

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Wed, 19 Aug 2020 12:00:00 -0400

The United States Postal Service has been in the news a lot in the past week, as national anxiety rises about the upcoming presidential election, mail-in ballots, and the Postmaster General's recent cost-cutting changes to the mail system.

Our listener Beth is a mail carrier in rural Maine who first wrote to us back in March about being an essential worker, and her fears of contracting and spreading COVID-19 on her route. "I don't know if this virus is on the mail," she said then. "The packages, the mailboxes. I touch everything."

When we checked in with Beth more recently, she told us some of those fears have lessened for her. But now, she's facing new pandemic-related challenges at work, including childcare issues, and delivering a lot more packages. "I definitely run from my truck to a house to drop off a package and I run back to my truck and it's go, go, go, go, go all day long," she said, adding that because she gets paid a set rate for her rural route, "I get paid for 43 hours [per week] no matter what."

Listen to our episode about essential workers, including Beth, from earlier this spring.

This Senator Saved My Love Life

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Wed, 12 Aug 2020 12:00:00 -0400

A story about what Alan Simpson, an expert on the federal deficit, taught me about love—and how it changed everything.

Follow our show on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram @deathsexmoney. Got a story to share? Email us any time at deathsexmoney@wnyc.org. And support our work at deathsexmoney.org/donate.

What Keeps Wendell Pierce Up At Night

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Wed, 05 Aug 2020 12:00:00 -0400

Before the pandemic hit, actor Wendell Pierce was jetsetting around the world, filming scenes for the Amazon series Jack Ryan and starring in a London production of Death of a Salesman. But in March, as the realities of the pandemic set in, he decided to head back to his hometown of New Orleans, where his 95-year-old father still lives in Wendell's childhood home. "I'm going to look on the bright side and say, this is an opportunity to spend this time with my dad," Wendell told me. "I was raised to believe that family is the greatest connection to your past and most likely to be there for you in the future."

Wendell worked hard to get his parents back into the home where they raised him and his brothers after it was destroyed during Hurricane Katrina in 2005. "My goal was to get them home before they died," he said. "They were in their seventies, eighties, and I said, I'm going to get you home." Wendell achieved that goal, and his mother was able to spend the last few years of her life living there before her death in 2012.

Wendell told me he's been thinking about his mom a lot, as he's been pondering whether or not to have children. "We had conversations about this. She would always say, 'Oh, by the time you have kids, you're going to be too old!'" he told me. "I love my mother so much and I respect her opinion so much. And I trust her opinion so much that it's her voice that echoes in my head saying, 'Oh, you do not know that joy you're missing out on of having a child.'"

Are you a new listener? Welcome! Check out our starter kit, which includes some of our favorite episodes of the show. It includes profiles of people like Bill Withers and Ellen Burstyn, stories about how race and class come up in our relationships, and some of our past series — like In New Orleans, which profiled five people who lived in the city during and after Hurricane Katrina.

Rent Is Due Tomorrow

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Fri, 31 Jul 2020 12:00:00 -0400

Today is July 31st—which means that for many people, rent is due tomorrow. But we know from watching recent data that a lot of people won't be able to pay by that deadline. According to a recent survey, nearly a third of Americans were late on their housing payments in July—or missed them altogether. And other research suggests that as many as 23 million renting families are at risk of losing their housing by October. That's 20% of all renters in the U.S.

So if you’re worrying about how and if you're going to be able to stay in your place, we want to hear from you. If you’re managing to make rent, but it’s tight, what tradeoffs are you making to be able to pay? And if you think you might need to leave your place because of money, where do you think you might go? Tell us what’s going on for you by the end of the weekend. Record a voice memo and send it to us by Sunday night, at deathsexmoney@wnyc.org.

Books We Love: A Big Conversation About "Big Friendship"

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Wed, 29 Jul 2020 12:00:00 -0400

The second conversation from our "Books We Love" live Zoom series is with authors and longtime friends Aminatou Sow and Ann Friedman. They're the co-hosts of the podcast Call Your Girlfriend, and authors of the book Big Friendship: How We Keep Each Other Close. The book tells the story of the first decade of their friendship, and also shares expert advice from other close friends and researchers on how to prioritize and maintain friendships as adults.

A couple of weeks ago, on the day their book was released, Aminatou and Ann joined me on Zoom from New York and Los Angeles to talk about the ups and downs of their (mostly) long-distance friendship. Plus, they gave our listeners and viewers advice on their biggest friendship dilemmas and questions.

You can watch the video of this live conversation here, thanks to our friends at The Greene Space. For the first conversation in this series with Michael Arceneaux, you can watch it here or listen to it here.

And to find out about the next conversation in our series, and to get more recommendations from the Death, Sex & Money team, subscribe to our newsletter.

How Bobby Berk Became A Boss

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Wed, 22 Jul 2020 12:00:00 -0400

When Bobby Berk left his deeply religious home in rural Missouri at 15 years old, it meant dropping out of high school and figuring out how to pay for everything on his own. "I lived in my car, I lived in people's basements on their sofas, you know, couch surfing," he told me. "At one point I was working three jobs." But he says it wasn't until much later in life, when he'd become successful in business, that he started telling the truth about his early adulthood. "I used to lie and say I went to college," he said. "I would lie about it for employment applications and to people, because I was horribly ashamed."

Bobby now is one of the stars on Netflix's Queer Eye reboot, and over the past two decades he built his own interior design brand. But he says it's only recently became possible for him and his husband, Dewey, to buy their first home, and despite how much is in his bank account, he still thinks of himself as "poor." "I don't want to think of myself as wealthy," he told me. "I don't want my world to revolve around money."

A Widow’s Guide To Grieving

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Wed, 15 Jul 2020 12:00:00 -0400

Five years ago, Leslie Gray Streeter's husband, Scott, had a heart attack and died. And in the immediate aftermath of losing her husband, who was just 44 years old, she says she found herself being hyper-aware of how she was performing her grief. "I remember hearing myself saying the words, 'So he's gone then,'" Leslie told me, about the moment doctors let her know that Scott had died. "And I also remember thinking...'I wonder if I sound - is that what you should say? Is that a normal thing to say?"

Leslie chronicles all of this in her new book, "Black Widow: A Sad-Funny Journey Through Grief for People Who Normally Avoid Books with Words Like Journey in the Title." And, she told me, part of that journey has been dealing with her anger at "everything and everybody," including her husband. "My therapist told me that it was okay to be mad at him for dying whether or not it's rational," she told me. "Even though I know that he never in a million years would he have chosen not to be with us, and it's really not fair that he's not...he's not. So [laughs]. And...I'm pissed."

Looking for more Death, Sex & Money conversations about grief and loss? Check out our playlist.

Books We Love: Michael Arceneaux’s “I Don’t Want To Die Poor”

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Fri, 10 Jul 2020 12:00:00 -0400

I always love talking with writer Michael Arceneaux. Last year, he joined me on the show to discuss his bestselling collection of essays, "I Can't Date Jesus," as well as growing up gay in a Catholic family in Houston and striking out on his own to become a writer when many, many systems were stacked against him.

A few weeks ago, he joined me again—this time, on Zoom from his apartment in Harlem—to talk about his new book, called "I Don't Want To Die Poor." He told me what it feels like to be slowly paying down his student loan debt, and how he's creating joy for himself in the midst of "three pandemics." (Hint: it involves luxury seltzer.)

You can watch the video of this live conversation here, thanks to our friends at The Greene Space. Click here to check out my 2018 conversation with Michael about his first book, "I Can't Date Jesus."

And tune in this Tuesday, July 14th, at 4 PM Eastern for the second in this series of live book interviews! I'll be talking with authors, podcasters, and best friends Ann Friedman and Aminatou Sow (Call Your Girlfriend) about their new book, "Big Friendship," and how they've stayed close as they've gotten older and moved away from each other.

What Money Can't Solve

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Wed, 08 Jul 2020 12:00:00 -0400

On November 2, 1983, Darrell Cannon was woken up by the Chicago police banging on his door. He knew the drill. As a longtime gang member, run-ins with the cops were common. He'd already served more than a decade behind bars for a murder conviction.

But that day, something unexpected happened: Darrell says the cops tortured him while they were questioning him. During the torture, Darrell confessed to a crime that landed him back behind bars for 24 years.

This didn't just happen to Darrell. Between the 1970s and the 1990s, more than 100 people—most of them black men—say they were tortured too, and the city of Chicago has officially acknowledged that this happened. In 2015, the city council approved a $5.5 million reparations package to 57 of the people who suffered at the hands of the police.

NPR's Noel King interviewed Darrell soon after he picked up his reparations check, back in 2016. We collaborated with her and the team at NPR's Planet Money on this episode, after she shared Darrell's story as part of a larger Planet Money episode called "Paying for the Crime." Planet Money just re-aired that episode last week, along with an update from Darrell.

To view the documents from the Invisible Institute's Police Torture Archive referenced in this episode, click here.

Skin Hunger: Part 2

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Wed, 01 Jul 2020 12:00:00 -0400

A listener we're calling Elle ended her relationship a few minutes after 2020 began. And she describes it as a pretty devastating breakup: "Basically I was on quarantine for two months already before all this happened," Elle told me. "I was not going anywhere. Not seeing anyone. Being around people...felt too painful."

Elle says overall, she's glad she wasn't in that relationship when the pandemic began. But it did mean that she's had to figure out other ways to get touch—including "germ bonding" with another couple. For a listener we're calling Dennis, who separated from his wife of 37 years last fall, it hasn't been so simple. He'd started getting into contra dancing pre-pandemic—something that was really helping him get through his divorce. But the weekly dances shut down in March. "I think it's going to be the last thing to come back. And also the, the crowd is, a lot of us are older," he said. "So it's going to be a long time. And it's really sad."

Plus, we hear from a listener whose relationship ended during quarantine, after a long-distance conversation about grooming.

Thanks to the team at Love + Radio for their work on this collaboration.

Skin Hunger: Part 1

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Mon, 29 Jun 2020 12:00:00 -0400

A few months ago, Nick van der Kolk, the host of the podcast Love + Radio, tweeted: "If I were @annasale, I'd be asking my listeners how they're coping with a lack of physical touch in their lives."

So we did! And our inbox was flooded with responses—mostly, as we expected, from people living by themselves, or, at least, without any other adult humans. "Every point of contact with another human is a little electric charge...little human exchange from person to person that really does fuel you," a listener named Billy, who lives alone, told us. "And then when it's all taken away so suddenly you realize that, oh my gosh, that is, that was necessary. That was needed. That let me know that I wasn't alone on this earth."

In this first of two episodes, we hear from several listeners who've been deprived of touch during difficult moments during the past few months: new parenthood; racial trauma; the loss of a partner. "I have a feeling, the first person who I do hug, they're going to have a mess on their hands," a listener named Angie told us, whose partner recently died. "I can mostly talk without crying now...but I'm wondering if I'm going to go through that all again, once I actually am able to physically touch people, am I going to relive that whole experience?"

Thanks to the team at Love + Radio for their work on this collaboration.

When Six Feet Isn't An Option

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Wed, 24 Jun 2020 12:00:00 -0400

As parts of the country start to reopen and some people consider venturing out of their homes more often, there are millions of people who haven't been able to socially distance throughout this time—specifically, the 2.3 million people who are currently incarcerated in the United States.

Lawrence Bartley was first on the show back in 2014, when he was still incarcerated at Sing Sing. Now he works at The Marshall Project, and as part of his job editing their publication News Inside, he frequently gets letters from incarcerated people and their loved ones. "The letters are desperate," he told me of what he's hearing right now. One of the people who reached out to him was a woman we're calling Dana—and I talked with her, too. Her husband "John" is currently at Sing Sing, and while they talk almost every day, not being able to see him has taken a toll on her. "The anxiety level that I've reached has me physically ill," she told me, "because I don't know if he's really okay."

We first spoke to Lawrence Bartley back in 2014, which you can listen to here. Our other follow-up episodes with him and his wife Ronnine are available here and here, and be sure to read his recent essay for The Marshall Project , called "How 27 Years In Prison Prepared Me For Coronavirus," here.

You can find our WNYC colleagues' work here: "Dispatches from People Stranded in Place," "Inside the Prison Pandemic," and "Keeping Released Prisoners Safe and Sane." And don't forget to check out the latest season of Ear Hustle.

An Essential Worker, Going Back In

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Wed, 17 Jun 2020 12:00:00 -0400

Back in April, we shared stories from our listeners who are essential workers. They described what they were seeing on the job, how they were feeling, and what they were doing to cope with not being able to shelter at home.

One of the essential workers in that episode was Sharron. She's a certified nursing assistant at a hospital in northern Virginia, and she suffers from chronic asthma. And she told us she was worried about what would happen to her and her 13-year-old daughter if she contracted COVID-19 at work. "If I were to get the virus, there is not a good outlook for me," she said at the time. "So just getting things in order is the only thing that's keeping me sane."

Many of you have reached out to see how Sharron is doing, and we've been thinking about her too. So I called her up last week to find out what’s happened since she sent in that voice memo. What unfolded was a conversation about deciding to take some time off, caring for her teenage daughter, coping with personal grief and loss, dreaming about the next steps in her career, and preparing to go back into the hospital again.

I Love You, But There's This Money Thing...

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Wed, 10 Jun 2020 12:00:00 -0400

From budgeting blue books to a $60,000 engagement ring: your stories about love and money.

Follow our show on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram @deathsexmoney. Got a story to share? Email us any time at deathsexmoney@wnyc.org. And support our work at deathsexmoney.org/donate.

"This Has Been A Long Time Coming."

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Fri, 05 Jun 2020 12:00:00 -0400

"I'm struggling. I’m not doing well."

"I cry, it hurts my heart, sort of physically it hurts."

"I want to scream."

"Friends ask if I'm okay. And I tell them I'm not, because I'm not. How can we be okay when we live in a state of terror?"

We asked you what you needed to say in this moment of reckoning with police brutality, structural racism, and grief. Here's what you told us.

We want to keep talking with you. Send us a voice memo about what's on your mind right now, to deathsexmoney@wnyc.org.

Financial Therapy: How Much Should I Help My Family?

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Wed, 03 Jun 2020 12:00:00 -0400

Right now, Frenchie is feeling secure in her job as an administrator at a Texas college. But that's not the case for her dad and her three sisters. They're all experiencing various levels of financial fallout from COVID—and as she thinks back on past family crises and the ways she stepped in to help, Frenchie wonders if she'll find herself gravitating towards a familiar support role in this moment, and how sustainable that would be. "Because I also ask if something happens to me, is anybody going to be able to support me?" she tells Amanda. "And right now, I feel like the answer is no."

This episode is part of a special Financial Therapy series here on Death, Sex & Money, hosted by Amanda Clayman. If you have a money anxiety weighing you down, send an email or a voice memo to financialtherapy@wnyc.org. Find the entire series at deathsexmoney.org/financialtherapy.

We'd also love to know what you thought of this series. Give us your feedback at deathsexmoney.org/ftsurvey.

What Do You Need To Say Right Now?

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Mon, 01 Jun 2020 12:00:00 -0400

What do you need to say right now?

As we take in the anguish that's surfacing today—about the fact that COVID19 is disproportionately impacting communities of color, about the violence of police brutality against Black people, and about all the different ways that white people are not stepping up to say those things are wrong—we want to hear from you.

Record a voice memo with your thoughts and send it to us, at deathsexmoney@wnyc.org.

And tune in to WNYC (or your local public radio station) tonight, June 1, at 8 pm ET, to listen to and participate in a two-hour live radio special in partnership with Minnesota Public Radio. It’s called America: Are We Ready: A National Call-In about Racism, Violence, and our Future Together.

Financial Therapy: Why Did I Take That Risk?

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Wed, 27 May 2020 12:00:00 -0400

Two years ago, Mathew* quit an executive job and struck out on his own to start an independent consulting firm. After months of bringing in "90% less than what [he] used to," business was finally starting to pick up earlier this year—and then the pandemic hit. With clients pulling contracts and invoices being paid late, Mathew is back to square one, wondering if the risks he took were worth it as his family deals with the consequences of his decision—and whether the need for emotional control that served him so well in his business career is still the right strategy for this crisis.

*Name changed

Financial Therapy: What Is Our Savings For?

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Wed, 20 May 2020 12:00:00 -0400

Before the pandemic, Dale ran an event space in Knoxville, Tennessee. After cancelling every booking this month—which was set to be their busiest ever—she finds herself wondering how to share the burden of her financial anxiety with her husband—and how to square the fact that after years of hustling to make her business a reality, she's really enjoying having some time alone.

Financial Therapy: Meet Amanda Clayman

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Mon, 18 May 2020 12:00:00 -0400

Many of you are in financial transition right now. You've lost jobs, income, stable housing. And you're worried about what's to come.

And this time of uncertainty isn't just bringing up thoughts about financial survival. It's also making us question our values, our identities...and whether the way we’ve done things in the past is still going to work.

All of that can be difficult to process, especially as we're in isolation. So we're calling on an expert for help: financial therapist Amanda Clayman. For the next three weeks, Amanda's going to be talking with some of you about those issues that are surfacing around money in your lives—and helping you process them and figure out a path forward.

"It's not a luxury to think about and to pay attention to the meaning of losing 80 to 90% of your income because for some of us, that's enough to send us into such a, an emotional tailspin that we aren't able to do...practical things," Amanda told me. "We, we are just stuck in feeling like, 'I'm a failure. This is never going to get any better.'"

Listen to Financial Therapy with Amanda Clayman, starting on May 20 in the Death, Sex & Money podcast feed.

Death, Sex & Money's Financial Therapy

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Mon, 18 May 2020 04:30:00 -0400

Many of you are in financial transition right now. You've lost jobs, income, stable housing. And you're worried about what's to come.

For many of us, this time of uncertainty isn't just bringing up thoughts about financial survival. It's also making us question our values, our identities and our plans for the future.

All of that can be difficult to process, especially as we're in isolation. So we're calling on an expert for help: financial therapist Amanda Clayman. For the next several weeks, Amanda's going to be talking with some of you about those issues that are surfacing around money in your lives—and helping you process them and figure out a path forward.

Listen to the episodes below, starting May 18.

Intro: Financial Therapy: Meet Amanda Clayman

Amanda Clayman is a licensed clinical social worker who decided to become a therapist after her own money issues started to cause disruption in her life. "I was just bringing a lot of emotional baggage, and family baggage to how I was relating to money," she told me. "What I have come to feel very deeply...is that...all financial behavior has meaning." Amanda and I talk about how she's approaching her clients' financial anxieties and issues during the pandemic, and why it's important to not just problem solve, but also examine the meaning of financial loss in your life.

Find out more here.

Episode 1: Financial Therapy: What Is Our Savings For?

Find out more here.

Episode 2: Financial Therapy: Why Did I Take That Risk?

*Name changed

Episode 3: Financial Therapy: How Much Should I Help My Family?

We want your feedback on this special series! Tell us what you thought at deathsexmoney.org/ftsurvey.

Stay in touch with us! Sign up for our newsletter and we'll keep you up to date about what's happening behind the scenes at Death, Sex & Money. Plus, we'll send you audio recommendations, letters from our inbox and a note from Anna. Join the Death, Sex & Money community and subscribe today.

Madeleine Albright On Ambition and Obsoleteness

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Wed, 13 May 2020 12:00:00 -0400

Madeleine Albright was in her early 20s when she wrote in an essay, "I am obsolete." She'd just become a mother to twins, and since graduating college had moved several times for her husband's jobs in journalism—a career field that she too had wanted to enter. "All of a sudden these things that I thought I was going to be able to do, I couldn't do," she told me. "Everything...was different than I had thought."

It was her eventual divorce two decades later that Secretary Albright says put her on the path to becoming U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations, and Secretary of State under President Bill Clinton. Since leaving that position in 2001 in her mid-60s, she's stayed plenty busy⁠—launching consulting and investment firms, and continuing to teach at Georgetown. But when I talked with her recently, she'd been self-isolating at home for weeks. "Because I'm in my eighties, and because of what's going on with the virus, all of a sudden I'm beginning to feel obsolete again," she told me. "I have been fighting gravity. That’s what I’ve been doing."

What Is A "Good Death" During A Pandemic?

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Fri, 08 May 2020 12:00:00 -0400

We recently got an email from a listener named Lindsay. She's a nurse who normally works in pediatric oncology, but right now is working in an adult ICU with COVID-19 patients. And even though, as she wrote to us, she's "been surrounded by death" in her regular job, she says the way her current patients are dying from COVID-19 is far from what she would call a "good death."

"You can't be in the room with them as they pass. You can't expose yourself that often," she wrote. "There is no time to know the people who slipped through your fingers—whose hair you washed, whose body you bathed, who you talk to during your shift to soothe yourself and them." She added, "It's simultaneously the most intimate and most anonymous relationship I've ever had."

Lindsay ended her email to us with a question: "How do I as a nurse, or how do we as a healthcare community, give patients a good death during a pandemic?"

Let us know if you have thoughts or answers for Lindsay. Our email address is deathsexmoney@wnyc.org.

Samantha Irby Is Prepared To Gracefully Bow Out

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Wed, 06 May 2020 12:00:00 -0400

Writer Samantha Irby currently lives what she calls "a pioneer woman kind of life." Most of that is due to her wife, Kirsten, who is into things like canning tomatoes and pickling vegetables. "I'm not going to eat that shit," Sam told me, "but it is very cool to, to see someone who knows how to do all of that stuff."

Sam's 40 now, and along with her wife, lives with her two stepsons in Michigan. In addition to writing bestselling books like her latest, Wow, No Thank You, she also writes for TV shows like Shrill and Work in Progress. But for a long time before reaching this level of success, Sam worked a variety of hourly jobs in the Chicago area while getting her writing career off the ground. And Sam told me that she'd be fine going back to those jobs if writing stops paying the bills. "The minute this feels like it's over, I'm going to be bagging groceries or like working at the gas station or working in another animal hospital," she said. "I refuse to do that desperate thing where you can tell somebody’s career is kind of over but they're like scraping and scrabbling to try to stay relevant and try to keep selling things."

I recently called Sam to talk about some of those hourly jobs she held, and how they helped her cope with her grief after her parents' deaths. And, we talk about why she doesn't regret dropping out of college, and about how similar her routine in isolation is to her usual one.

Student Loans And The Pandemic: Your Questions, Answered

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Mon, 27 Apr 2020 12:00:00 -0400

Even in pre-pandemic times, student loans were confusing. And since our lives flipped upside down a month ago, a lot has changed in the world of student loans, especially for the types of loans that are covered by the CARES Act. But how do you know what loans are covered? And what kind of relief is being offered? And what about for everyone else, whose loans aren't covered by the CARES Act?

In this special collaboration with NPR's Life Kit, we wade into the student loan weeds with student loan expert Betsy Mayotte, who founded The Institute of Student Loan Advisors, or TISLA. She's been closely tracking student loan developments over the past month, and answers listener questions about everything ranging from forbearance and interest rates to private loans and scammers.

Check out more of NPR's Life Kit here. And for more stories about student loan debt, check out our special series and website all about student loan debt. While you're there, add your student loan story to our interactive map, and take a quiz to find out where you fit into the student loan landscape.

They Were Managing Their OCD. Then Came The Pandemic.

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Wed, 22 Apr 2020 12:00:00 -0400

When COVID-19 first hit, listener Diane Davis thought she'd be able to handle it—despite the fact that she's been managing a diagnosis of obsessive compulsive disorder for over two decades. "I know what it is to be really afraid of contamination and I thought I was going to be okay," she told me when I called her recently. "And then it sort of came out of nowhere and just knocked me sideways again."

In my recent phone conversation with Diane, she walks me through her keeping pandemic anxieties in perspective and how she avoids passing them on to her young children. Then, author John Green remembers John Prine and discusses finding new ways to cope with his OCD when the old ones fail—including walks in the woods (see above), and daily baths.

I first spoke with John Green on the show in 2018. Listen to that conversation here, and be sure to check out this excellent video he made a few weeks ago to help us all take a virtual walk in the woods while we're self-isolating.

An Immunocompromised Love Story

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Wed, 15 Apr 2020 12:00:00 -0400

We check in with Alana Duran, who has lupus and received a donor kidney several years ago from her new girlfriend at the time, Lori Interlicchio.

What are you noticing about physical touch and intimacy right now? Whether you're partnered or single, we want to know how touch—or a lack of it—is making you think about your romantic life. Tell us about it at deathsexmoney@wnyc.org.

Sign up for our newsletter today at deathsexmoney.org/newsletter. And follow our show on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram @deathsexmoney. Got a story to share? Email us any time at deathsexmoney@wnyc.org.

A Weekend Homework Assignment From Tayari Jones

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Fri, 10 Apr 2020 12:00:00 -0400

When I checked in with writer Tayari Jones recently, we talked about how the past few weeks of isolation have been a time of self-discovery for her. "I feel that I'm living more for myself," she told me. "I think that is the positive thing that I'm learning about who I am."

One of the central things Tayari has learned is mastering different forms of connection, from how to teach her college students over Zoom to sending money to friends in need. The simplest way she's connecting? Greeting cards! "People love to receive cards and I have so many of them and I just imagined that if people are at home alone feeling isolated, wouldn't it be nice to get a card even if it's the wrong holiday?"

In that spirit, this weekend we're asking you to send a greeting card to someone in your life. Send us pictures, record a voice memos and emails about what happened and send it to deathsexmoney@wnyc.org.

Tayari Jones first joined us on the show in 2018 and returned in 2019 to interview Carrie Mae Weems for our Maternity Leave Lineup.

Goodbye, John Prine

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Tue, 07 Apr 2020 12:00:00 -0400

"I get these thoughts, and I like to make them into songs. They might sound odd at the time, but then people connect to them throughout their life," John Prine told me when we talked together in 2018. "And it turns out I’m doing something that may resemble something solid."

There was no one like him. We will miss him. He leaves a legacy of incredible songs, and of loving well.

"You got gold inside of you," he wrote in one of my favorite love songs of his. "Well, I got gold inside me too."

"Nobody Comes Here To Hide": Remembering Bill Withers

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Fri, 03 Apr 2020 12:00:00 -0400

When I spoke with songwriting legend Bill Withers for the very first episode of Death, Sex & Money, we talked about what it is to be a man. He told me it might not be manly to say "I'm scared," but that being a man isn't about ignoring fear. "To me, courage is not not being afraid," he told me. "It's what you do in spite of being afraid."

Bill Withers died this week, at the age of 81.

At the end of our conversation, I asked him about what he was proud of, looking back at his life. He told me, "I could have done better but I did alright. That's the way I look at it." And he added, "The best advice anybody ever gave me was very simple: go make something out of yourself. So we do the best we can with that. But the whole goal of this is to try to make yourself interesting because nobody comes here to hide."

"We Are The Glue": Stories From Essential Workers

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Wed, 01 Apr 2020 12:00:00 -0400

A few weeks back, we created a Pandemic Tool Kit for those of us who are staying home during the COVID-19 crisis. But we also wanted to hear from those of you who can't stay home right now because your jobs have been deemed essential—about what's on your mind right now, and what's helping you cope.

So we asked essential workers to record voice memos and send them in. We heard from so many of you—from postal workers to flight attendants to nurses to grocery store employees. Some of you told us that this scenario is what you've always trained for. But others of you told us that you never imagined yourself on the frontlines of a health crisis. As listener Randi put it, "I don’t think I thought about myself as an essential worker until this moment, and now I realize how much we’re part of the glue of the community."

We also are thinking about those of you who are suddenly out of work. Or, who may have a paycheck now but you’re not sure how long it will last. If you are in financial flux right now, tell us what’s going on at deathsexmoney@wnyc.org.

A Surgical Nurse On Being Essential

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Mon, 30 Mar 2020 12:00:00 -0400

We asked essential workers to write in about what they need, and what they're thinking about. Here's what one surgical nurse in Ohio told us.

Not subscribed to our newsletter yet? Sign up at deathsexmoney.org/newsletter.

And follow our show on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram @deathsexmoney. Got a story to share? Email us any time at deathsexmoney@wnyc.org.

If You Can't Isolate, What Do You Need?

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Fri, 27 Mar 2020 12:00:00 -0400

Over the last week, we've loved watching many of you use our Pandemic Tool Kit and learning how you're coping with social distancing. But not all of us have the ability to stay home right now. A listener named Mary, who is a nurse in upstate New York, emailed us this week and told us that she's looking for whole different kind of tool kit. Like many other essential workers (healthcare workers, grocers, delivery workers, janitors, warehouse workers, trash collectors and more), Mary is at the front lines of the COVID-19 pandemic, and wants to know how people like her are coping right now.

So this weekend, we're asking essential workers: What’s on your mind right now? and What’s helping you? And for those of you that have loved ones who are essential workers, we're asking you to do something nice for them, and tell us about how great they are. Record a voice memo and send it to deathsexmoney@wnyc.org by Monday morning.

Confessions of a Nashville Power Couple

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Thu, 26 Mar 2020 12:00:00 -0400

Jason Isbell was a restless guitarist. Amanda Shires was a fiddler who turned his life around. In 2014, they were a year into marriage, and discovering that sobriety and success come with new challenges.

Want more? Here are a few other conversations from our archive featuring Jason Isbell and Amanda Shires:

Live from the Internet: Jason Isbell, Amanda Shires & You: The couple took listener calls along with Anna about relationships, faith and music.

Jason Isbell & Will Welch: Somebody Needs Me: Jason guest hosts Death, Sex & Money, and talks with his best friend and GQ Editor in Chief Will Welch about sobriety and mental health.

What Rockstars And Sober People Already Know About Quarantine: Jason talks with Anna from his home in Nashville during the COVID-19 pandemic, about how coming on and off of tours has helped prepare him for sobriety in quarantine, and about the music he and Amanda are listening to right now.

And if you're looking for our Jason Isbell-inspired quarantine Spotify playlist, here it is.

Subscribe to our newsletter at deathsexmoney.org/newsletter. And consider becoming a sustaining member of Death, Sex & Money by donating here: deathsexmoney.org/donate.

What Rockstars And Sober People Already Know About Quarantine

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Wed, 25 Mar 2020 12:00:00 -0400

As social distancing becomes the new normal for all of us, it's affecting us in different ways. For a listener we're calling Chloe—who stopped drinking a year and a half ago—it's impacting the way she maintains her sobriety. "For me personally, it's really balancing my extreme fear of isolation...with my concern about spreading a virus that can turn fatal," she told us about weighing the decision to attend in-person AA meetings versus staying home. "Which one do I prioritize? And it's really hard."

Last week, I called her from my makeshift studio in my closet and talked with her about where she's finding support today—and about the lessons she's applying to life in quarantine that she learned during her early days in recovery. Plus, I call up musician Jason Isbell, to talk about what he's learned about his sobriety while transitioning on and off the road, and to hear about the music he and his family are listening to at home right now.

Jason Isbell and Amanda Shires first appeared on Death, Sex & Money in a 2014 episode, Confessions of a Nashville Power Couple. Since then, the couple hosted a live call with listeners in 2017 and Jason guest-hosted one of our 2019 Maternity Leave Lineup episodes.

We've also made you a Spotify playlist with all the songs Jason and Amanda are listening to during their self-quarantine. Enjoy!

We Made A Pandemic Tool Kit

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Fri, 20 Mar 2020 12:00:00 -0400

In the past, we've created collaborative spreadsheets with your suggestions for getting through traumatic life events like breakups and pregnancy loss. So when one of our listeners suggested we make another one for the current pandemic we find ourselves living through—we got to work. This week, you've been helping us fill up our Pandemic Tool Kit with suggested things to read, listen to, watch, think about, and more. You've added suggestions about everything from watching meditation videos and making nachos to hosting singalongs and donating to service workers. So this weekend, we want to challenge you to check it out, add ideas to it—and give something in the tool kit a try.

Tell us how it goes. Send in your field reports from your activities—pictures, voices memos, emails—to deathsexmoney@wnyc.org by Monday morning. We’ll share some of them in our newsletter, which we're sending out a few times a week now. You can subscribe at deathsexmoney.org/newsletter.

Ben Sinclair Is A Fan Of Endings

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Wed, 18 Mar 2020 12:00:00 -0400

For fans of the HBO series High Maintenance, Ben Sinclair is practically synonymous with “The Guy,” the laid-back New York City weed dealer he plays on the show. And while a lot of the show is inspired by Ben and his co-creator and ex-wife Katja Blichfeld's personal life experiences, these days, Ben's trying to separate himself from some of his character's most well-known attributes. "I'm starting to grow out of smoking weed," he told me. "I feel joy at the anticipation of getting stoned, but once I'm stoned, I'm like, ugh, why did I do this?"

Ben talked with me about his childhood in an Arizona suburb, struggling in New York in his 20s, what he learned from his divorce, and what he's turning to now that he's smoking less.

If you're new to High Maintenance, here are five of my favorite episodes. I only picked from the last four seasons of HBO for ease in finding, but the whole web series is amazing, which you can find here.

"Dongle" (Season 3, Episode 7): A Puerto Rican man who just arrived in New York starts work on a road crew and starts a flirtation with his bodega guy.

"Googie" (Season 2, Episode 6): The Guy is recovering at home after a bike injury, and after smoking a lot of pot and streaming a lot of television, he goes out for a walk.

"M.A.S.H." (Season 3, Episode 1): A wake brings together a collection of people in upstate New York, who join together in an inspired music jam.

"Adelante" (Season 4, Episode 6): An encounter with ex in an Uber pool, and a dental hygienist goes on a date with a patient and then returns to her home in the Bronx.

"Scromple" (Season 2, Episode 5): The Guy and his ex-wife run into each other in a hospital.

Death, Sex & Money's Coronavirus Reading List

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Fri, 13 Mar 2020 13:00:00 -0400

As we limit our face-to-face interactions and watch more news about the COVID-19 pandemic roll in, it’s important to find community in other ways. That could look like hopping on the phone or FaceTime with loved ones; stockpiling medicine, cleaning supplies, and food to share; and finding creative ways to keep our spirits up in a confusing and difficult time.

All of us at Death, Sex & Money encourage you to continue to reach out as we move through this together. You can share your thoughts, tips, and concerns at deathsexmoney@wnyc.org. We're also going to be touching base with you all more often via our newsletter—if you're not signed up already, you can subscribe here.

In the meantime, we’ve pulled together some resources that we hope you find as helpful as we did.

The World Health Organization and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention both have official guidelines about how to contain the outbreak as much as possible.

Gothamist has a running list of NYC-related coronavirus news and preparation tips.

Infectious disease expert Dr. Robert Citronberg broke down everything you need to know about the disease in the Chicago Tribune.

ProPublica reporter Caroline Chen on the questions we should be asking about the coronavirus.

A list of catchy songs to wash your hands to besides singing "Happy Birthday" twice.

Vox has compiled a list of nine charts that help explain the crisis, from spread to contagiousness to symptoms.

BuzzFeed offers some useful tips for staying home and a flowchart for what to do if you think you may have contracted the virus.

Vogue offers up concrete tips about working from home, from someone who's been doing it for years.

Writer Taffy Brodesser-Akner reminds us to find connection in a time of “social-isolation.”

Lists of online-only addiction recovery support groups and anxiety support groups.

The New Yorker's piece "Coping, Camaraderie and Human Evolution Amid the Coronavirus Crisis."

And from Netflix’s The Circle...cast member Joey Sasso has surprisingly soothing advice for when you’re stuck at home.

Death, Sex & Money's Coronavirus Reading List

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Fri, 13 Mar 2020 13:00:00 -0400

In the meantime, we’ve pulled together some resources that we hope you find as helpful as we did:

The World Health Organization and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention both have official guidelines about how to contain the outbreak as much as possible.
Gothamist has a running list of NYC-related coronavirus news and preparation tips.
Infectious disease expert Dr. Robert Citronberg broke down everything you need to know about the disease in the Chicago Tribune.
ProPublica reporter Caroline Chen on the questions we should be asking about the coronavirus.
A list of catchy songs to wash your hands to besides singing "Happy Birthday" twice.
Vox has compiled a list of nine charts that help explain the crisis, from spread to contagiousness to symptoms.
BuzzFeed offers some useful tips for staying home and a flowchart for what to do if you think you may have contracted the virus.
Vogue offers up concrete tips about working from home, from someone who's been doing it for years.
Writer Taffy Brodesser-Akner reminds us to find connection in a time of “social-isolation.”
The New Yorker's piece "Coping, Camaraderie and Human Evolution Amid the Coronavirus Crisis."
And from Netflix’s The Circle...cast member Joey Sasso has surprisingly soothing advice for when you’re stuck at home.

Alone Together: A COVID-19 Call-In

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Fri, 13 Mar 2020 12:00:00 -0400

Anna and Kai Wright, host of WNYC's The United States of Anxiety podcast, take your calls about how the coronavirus is impacting your life, your relationships, and your plans—and how you're coping with it all.

You can find coronavirus tips and resources that we've compiled at deathsexmoney.org/coronavirus, and you can listen to The United States of Anxiety wherever you get your podcasts, or at wnyc.org/anxiety.

If you're not already signed up for our newsletter, do it today! We're going to be reaching out a few times a week as we all get through this together. Subscribe today by going to deathsexmoney.org/newsletter.

Follow our show on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram @deathsexmoney. Got a story to share? Email us any time at deathsexmoney@wnyc.org. And support Death, Sex & Money by becoming a monthly sustaining member. Sign up now.

Why You're Not Having Sex

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Wed, 11 Mar 2020 12:00:00 -0400

A 34-year-old listener we’ll call “Marie” emailed us back in 2015. She’d never dated anyone seriously. She'd never been kissed, and she'd never had sex. She wasn't opposed to any of those things. They just hadn't happened for her yet. And she worried that if she told a potential partner about her sexual inexperience, he'd walk away.

Many of us aren’t having sex, for all kinds of reasons. When we asked you why you're not having sex, you told us about abstaining for religious reasons, or because of lingering fears based on what you learned (or didn’t learn) about sex growing up. We heard about not having sex because it hurts too much, or because you could hurt someone else by doing it. Some of you aren't having sex because you can't find the right partner or keep running into narrow societal standards about what’s “attractive.”

We heard from people in relationships, too, like a couple who can't agree on how much sex is enough—so they're not really having any. And a man who says everyone thinks his life is full of three-ways and orgies because he lives with his wife and their girlfriend. But in reality, he says they're not having sex at all.

When we asked for your stories about why you’re not having sex, you also told us that not having sex can be really difficult to talk about. But by talking about it, what becomes clear is that our idea of what's "normal" might in fact be a myth.

Sugar Babies Cost Me $8,000 And My Marriage

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Wed, 04 Mar 2020 12:00:00 -0500

A listener talks about why he thought hiring sex workers could save his marriage⁠—while also knowing it could destroy it.

We're looking for your stories about climate change, and about what happens when you take a minute to slow down and force yourself to focus on it. What do you think about? How do you feel? And then, what happens next? Send a voice memo to deathsexmoney@wnyc.org.

Sign up for our newsletter by going to deathsexmoney.org/newsletter, and every Wednesday we'll send you behind-the-scenes updates, podcast listening recommendations, and some pretty incredible listener letters from our inbox.

Follow our show on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram @deathsexmoney. Got a story to share? Email us any time at deathsexmoney@wnyc.org.

Maria Bamford Didn't Wait For It To Be Perfect

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Wed, 26 Feb 2020 12:00:00 -0500

When comedian Maria Bamford moved to LA in her early 20s, she struggled to cover her food and rent as she was breaking into the comedy world. "Although I had a college degree, I just did not know how to get and keep a full time job, much less a part time job," she told me. When an unexpected medical bill landed her in debt, she almost moved home to Minnesota—but found the support she needed from a money-oriented 12-step program. She eventually held down a job working as a secretary at an animation studio, which led to her getting voiceover work—and, importantly, health insurance through the Screen Actors Guild.

Since then, Maria has developed a signature brand of comedy that leans into her mental health struggles, the quirky characters in her family and the anxieties of everyday life. I talk with her about the unconventional way she learned to manage money, her memories of psychiatric hospitalization, and how she's working on having better arguments with her husband.

Maria's new comedy special is called Weakness Is The Brand. Listen to this This American Life episode to hear more about the Gottmans, the husband and wife psychologists Maria has turned to for marriage advice.

If you or someone you love is at risk of suicide, please go to https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ to find resources and someone to talk to.

Cancer Changed Ken Jeong's Comedy

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Wed, 19 Feb 2020 12:00:00 -0500

Ken Jeong described his role as Mr. Chow in the 2009 blockbuster The Hangover as "the most obscene love letter to a spouse one could ever have.” He peppered his dialogue with bits of Vietnamese as an inside joke with his wife Tran.

Ken met his wife while they were both practicing medicine at the same hospital in Los Angeles. Ken had always done comedy on the side, even performing midnight stand-up while he was working long hours during his residency. But after he and Tran married, he quit medicine to pursue acting full-time. Then, a year later, Tran was diagnosed with stage III triple negative breast cancer, one of the most aggressive forms of breast cancer. At the time, they had young twins, and Ken had just gotten an offer to play an Asian mobster in a Las Vegas buddy movie — the role that would be his big break.

Tran encouraged him to take the part. "You're kind of burning out right now," she told him. So he channeled his anger about her illness into his character's comedic rage.

Back in 2015, he talked to me about raising a family in the shadow of cancer, and how his careers in comedy and medicine converged in unexpected ways.

No Slumping With Twyla Tharp

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Wed, 12 Feb 2020 12:00:00 -0500

Twyla Tharp's mother first put her in dance classes when she was a child living in Southern California. "I've always been highly programmed," Twyla told me. But when she got to New York and realized her ballet skills weren't "top drawer," she decided to dig into modern dance and began studying with legendary dancers like Martha Graham and Merce Cunningham. "I said to myself, 'Well, okay, Merce does great what he does, and Martha does great what she does, but I don't want to do what they do,'" she said. "And I think ultimately that's how I became my own dancing person."

In the six decades since, she's done exactly that—and she's not done yet. Now 78, Twyla joined me from our studio in New York to talk about the start of her prolific career back in the mid-60s, the logistics of raising her son as a single parent while touring internationally, and how now, at 78, she's learning to deal with new physical limitations.

Here is an excerpt of Twyla's first work, Tank Dive (1965):

And here is a bit of The Golden Section (1983):

You can check out more of Twyla's work on her website.

Looking for our Valentine's Day project? Go here!

20 Death, Sex & Money Episodes For Your Valentines

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Wed, 12 Feb 2020 02:00:00 -0500

Is there a better way to celebrate your loved ones this Valentine's Day than showering them with audio-goodies? Here are 20 episodes we think are perfect for sharing. Download this image to send along with your episode suggestions!

The ultimate Valentine's Roundup:

Real Love: A Valentine's Special from Death, Sex & Money: Sometimes love fits neatly on a card. Sometimes, it spills over into rehab, divorce, or a call from a former Wyoming senator.

For those who haven't found their special someone:

Hot Dates: Romance Right Now: Dating these days can be frustrating. But a lot of you are doing it anyway...and some of you are letting us listen in.

Dating Was So Hard, Until It Wasn't: Katie Heaney wrote a memoir about her lifelong single status. Then she realized she was looking for love in the wrong place.

Desiree Akhavan's Breakthrough Breakup: Akhavan’s debut feature film, Appropriate Behavior, mines the details of her own life—particularly the most uncomfortable moments. It also earned her a spot on this season of Girls.

For those who want inspirational love stories:

My Husband Killed Someone. Now He Might Get Out.: Ronnine Bartley married her husband Lawrence while he was in prison. They had two kids and dreamed about a life together on the outside. Now, Lawrence has a chance at parole.

Cancer Changed Ken Jeong's Comedy: After years of working as a physician, Ken Jeong quit to pursue acting. Then his wife was diagnosed with breast cancer, and he found himself needing to think like a doctor again.

Married, Paralyzed and Moving On: A couple reflects on the big strides they've made together since a cycling accident left one of them paralyzed two years ago—and on the things they still need to face.

College Sweethearts: Transformed: Liam and Marisa fell in love as college students. Then, Liam began his gender transition. Here, they speak candidly about staying committed through serious change.

I Married A Dreamer During The Trump Presidency: Vanessa never thought much about the immigration process until she fell in love with Freddy, whose legal status in the U.S. is now in jeopardy.

A Wife Interviews Her Husband About Manhood, Now: We got a voice memo in our inbox, from a husband and wife who were inspired to talk about masculinity together. So we asked them if we could share it with you.

50 Years Married To A Man Named Sissy: Vickie Goodwin tried to raise her husband's self esteem early in their marriage. But when he started cross dressing publicly, she struggled to accept that it was part of who he was.

Chaz Ebert on Life Without Roger: Since Roger Ebert's death in 2013, his wife Chaz says they still communicate in unique and powerful ways. If that sounds out of the ordinary, so is the story of how they fell in love.

Holland Taylor Steps Off Her Island: Actress Holland Taylor built a reputation by playing self-assured characters who keep others at a distance. But in her personal life, she says she's ready to take a chance on love.

This Senator Saved My Love Life: My boyfriend Arthur and I broke up. Then Alan Simpson intervened. And what this expert on the federal deficit taught me about love changed everything.

For those who want nontraditional looks at love:

Life as a Wife: Cindy Chupack came into her second marriage with a house on the beach and an Emmy. Her husband came in with a lot of debt. Getting comfortable with that wasn't easy.

Dan Savage Says Cheating Happens. And That's Ok.: Infidelity has kept Savage's marriage exciting and fun, and he's not afraid to talk about it. But there are things even the bluntest sex columnist feels uncomfortable discussing.

An Astronaut's Husband, Left Behind: Dr. Jonathan Clark lost his wife, astronaut Laurel Clark, in the 2003 Columbia space shuttle explosion. As he grieved, he also learned how to be a single parent to their son.

Finding Love, And A Kidney, On Tinder: When "It's a match!" takes on a whole new meaning.

For those in the mood for non-romantic love:

Siblinghood: After hearing from more than 200 listeners about their siblings, it's clear that the people we spend our childhoods with aren't the easiest ones to act like adults toward.

The Power of Yesi Ortiz: On the air, Yesi Ortiz is a warm, flirty host for a popular L.A. hip hop station. Off the air, she's a single mother of six adopted kids. Managing both roles is a more than a challenge.

Haven't found the perfect episode for your Valentine? Check out our archives for a full list of all of our episodes.

Carmen Maria Machado Is Using The Word 'Abusive'

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Wed, 05 Feb 2020 12:00:00 -0500

When author Carmen Maria Machado was in her mid-20s, she had her first relationship with a woman. She was in graduate school at the time, and in the beginning, her ex made her feel special. "I just wanted somebody to like, look at me and be like, 'I want you,' you know? And that's exactly what she did," she told me. While Carmen says the relationship quickly became abusive, she was only able to start describing it that way once their relationship ended.

Carmen went on to chronicle this relationship and how she deals with its aftermath in her new, critically-acclaimed memoir In the Dream House. She sat down with me to talk about coming to terms with the relationship, and complicating common narratives around abuse.

You can find the fact sheet Carmen mentioned in the episode here. It was put together by Hyejin Shim and Graywolf Press specifically for queer survivors of abuse, but it offers insights and resources that are useful for everyone.

Who Are Your 'Quick And Deep' Friends?

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Wed, 29 Jan 2020 12:00:00 -0500

A conversation with a psychologist about the importance of friends who cross racial lines—and those who don't.

Want to reflect on how race has factored into your friendships? Take our survey at deathsexmoney.org/friendship. Afterward, you can see how other people have responded to the survey questions, and we'll also send you a recommended reading list.

And, as always, you can sign up for our newsletter by going to deathsexmoney.org/newsletter. Every Wednesday we'll send you behind-the-scenes updates, podcast listening recommendations, and some pretty incredible listener letters from our inbox.

Follow our show on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram @deathsexmoney. Got a story to share? Email us any time at deathsexmoney@wnyc.org.

Ask Code Switch: What About Your Friends?

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Thu, 23 Jan 2020 12:00:00 -0500

Your stories about race and friendship brought up a lot of questions. Our friends at NPR's Code Switch podcast have some answers.

And if you missed it, make sure you check out our episode right before this one, called "Between Friends: Your Stories About Race and Friendship." Plus, take our survey to examine how race plays into your own friendships, at deathsexmoney.org/friendship.

Follow our show on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram @deathsexmoney. Got a story to share? Email us any time at deathsexmoney@wnyc.org.

Between Friends: Your Stories About Race and Friendship

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Wed, 22 Jan 2020 12:00:00 -0500

A text message gone wrong. A bachelorette party exclusion. A racist comment during the 2016 debates.

When we asked you all about moments when race became a flashpoint in your friendships, we heard about awkward, funny, and deeply painful moments. "The fact that she could drop me so easily really stung," one listener, Ashley, told us about a childhood friendship that suddenly ended because her friend's parents didn't want her "hanging out with black kids." Another listener, who we're calling Kathleen, wrote in about the regret she felt about not confronting an ex-friend who posted a racist comment on Facebook. "I don't know if I could have changed her mind," she told us. "But at least [I could have] let her know that what I thought was so wrong about what she was saying, instead of just quietly clicking 'unfriend.'"

Today, we're sharing your stories about how race, identity, and racism have impacted your friendships. And listen to the episode from our partners at the NPR podcast Code Switch, featuring expert advice on navigating those flashpoint moments around race—and explaining why it's so hard to make, and maintain, cross-racial friendships.

Take our survey about race and friendship here. Afterward, see how other people answered the survey questions, and get our list of recommended reading on race and friendship.

Click here to read a transcript of the episode.

Inside Planned Parenthood

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Wed, 08 Jan 2020 12:00:00 -0500

The first thing that greets you when you step off the elevator at the Planned Parenthood in Brooklyn is a metal detector. "I didn’t necessarily expect it," a first-time patient told me. "But as soon as I saw it I was like, 'Oh yeah, that’s right, that makes sense.'"

Many Planned Parenthood clinics across the country rely on security measures like these. The services provided by these clinics—specifically, abortions—have long been at the center of a raging political debate in the U.S. But it's not very often that we hear from the people who rely on these clinics for health care.

Over a number of days in late 2015 and early 2016, we collected interviews at the Planned Parenthood clinic in downtown Brooklyn. Patients volunteered to talk with us while they were waiting for their appointments. They were there for STI tests, pap smears, birth control prescriptions—no one seeking an abortion talked with me on the days we were there. But for many of the people I met, abortion was an important part of their history with Planned Parenthood.

"Here it was just very reassuring," a patient named Sarah, who was at the clinic for her annual exam, told me about her abortion three years ago at Planned Parenthood. "No one wants to do it, but life, you know, happens."

We also talked with some of the abortion protesters who stand outside the clinic every Saturday, rain or shine. And I interviewed several staff members and volunteers at Planned Parenthood—like Rhea, who greets patients as they walk in the door downstairs. "If you’re wondering if this is the right choice and you’re there and you’ve made the appointment and you’ve been thinking and you’re like, crossing the line...somebody being a jerk to you could totally just melt you down," she told me. "Or, somebody with a smile and somebody who holds your hand, could just make you feel calm and make you feel good. At a time where maybe you don’t feel good."

We originally released this episode in 2016. Since then, there’s been a big change in how Planned Parenthood pays for that care. The Trump administration banned clinics from receiving Title X federal funding--money that covers things like STI treatment, cancer screenings and contraception for low-income patients, if those clinics also provide abortion counseling (with a few narrow exceptions). In response, Planned Parenthood stopped taking those funds altogether.

Saeed Jones's New Year's Determinations

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Wed, 01 Jan 2020 12:00:00 -0500

The writer reads an essay about his mom, and explains why she always made New Year's "determinations" instead of "resolutions."

We want to hear YOUR determinations! Record a voice memo telling us what you "will" do in 2020, and send it to us at deathsexmoney@wnyc.org. We'll share them back with the entire Death, Sex & Money community soon.

Here's one determination for you: You WILL sign up for our newsletter this year! Do it now by going to deathsexmoney.org/newsletter, and every Wednesday we'll send you behind-the-scenes updates, podcast listening recommendations, and some pretty incredible listener letters from our inbox.

Follow our show on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram @deathsexmoney. Got a story to share? Email us any time at deathsexmoney@wnyc.org.

Death, Sex & Money's 2019 Year End Spectacular

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Wed, 25 Dec 2019 12:00:00 -0500

The team reflects together on the best Death, Sex & Money moments of 2019—things you heard on the show, and things you didn't.

Donate to Death, Sex & Money before the end of the year, and we'll send you one of our fabulous Maternity Leave Lineup posters, signed by Anna Sale! Plus, you'll be supporting the work we do here at the show, and the community we're building together. Give now at deathsexmoney.org/donate.

Sign up for our newsletter at deathsexmoney.org/newsletter, and every Wednesday we'll send you podcast listening recommendations, listener letters from our inbox and updates from the show.

Follow our show on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram @deathsexmoney. Got a story to share? Email us any time at deathsexmoney@wnyc.org.

Liz Phair's Rebellious Streak Works For Her

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Wed, 18 Dec 2019 12:00:00 -0500

In 1994, musician Liz Phair was 27, fresh off the runaway success of her albums Exile In Guyville and Whipsmart, and on on the cover of Rolling Stone under the headline "A Rock And Roll Star Is Born." And she was miserable.

In her new book, Horror Stories, she writes about the uncertainty and the restlessness of that time in her life. And in our conversation, she tells me that her decision to then get married and "retreat into domesticity" at that point seems, in hindsight, like an overcorrection. "I was trying to pull back into a self that I recognized," she says. "And I just pulled back too far." Today, she tells me about cheating in that marriage as a way of finding herself again, and how years later, finding herself on the other side of a betrayal helped her feel like the karmic score had been settled.

Thanks to Random House for making a chapter of Liz's memoir Horror Stories available for us to share with you. Click here to read it.

We've also built a Spotify playlist of our favorite Liz Phair songs. You can find it here.

"Customer Experience" excerpted from Horror Stories by Liz Phair Copyright © 2019 by Liz Phair. Excerpted by permission of Random House. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.

The Children Of Heart Mountain

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Wed, 11 Dec 2019 12:00:00 -0500

The Heart Mountain Pilgrimage⁠ is an annual reunion for Japanese Americans who were imprisoned at Heart Mountain, a WWII incarceration camp in Wyoming, and their families. "I haven’t been back here since we used to live here," a woman named Esther Abe told me, as we got off a bus together outside the museum that now stands on the grounds. "Something happened that I didn't expect. I saw that Heart Mountain, and I kind of choked up."

The people at this gathering who once lived here are now in their 80s and 90s⁠, but they were young children during their time at Heart Mountain. "It sounds idiotic, but as a kid, there was no fear," another former incarceree Shig Yabu told me. "We didn't think about all the barbed wires. We wanted excitement."

I heard about a range of emotional experiences when I talked with the descendants of former incarcerees—including anger. "I have been angry and I probably still am," said Shirley Ann Higuchi, whose parents were both imprisoned at Heart Mountain. Shirley told me how she learned new details about her mother's experience at Heart Mountain after she died in 2005. "I think the Japanese culture is very complicated. I think there's sort of something there where you need permission to speak, or need permission to talk out on things," she told me. "I think in reality [my mother] was angrier than I was, but she just suppressed it and managed it differently."

Cheating Happens

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Wed, 04 Dec 2019 12:00:00 -0500

People cheat. But they don't often talk about the aftermath, and how they and their partners decide what comes next.

When I asked you to send in your stories about infidelity, I heard from so many of you. Listener Sasha* told us about how she suspected that her partner of five years was having an affair -- and later, after they broke up, discovered that he had been been posting online ads for casual sex throughout their relationship. Andy in Connecticut remembered being a 12-year-old trying to convince his father not to cheat on a girlfriend. Joe* in Texas talked about having a relationship with a married woman as a single man, and the feeling of being a sideshow to the main event. Listener Chrystal* began her email to us about the cheating in her relationship: "Spoiler alert: we made it."

Numbers about cheating vary from study to study, but indicate that 20 to 40 percent of straight married men and 20 to 25 percent of straight married women venture outside their marriages. When Dan Savage joined us on the show in 2014, he put that number even higher, at 50 percent of women and men in long-term relationships.

In this episode, you'll hear from men and women who've cheated and been cheated on. Nobody's proud of it. But we learned that when a secret affair is revealed, it’s a moment for us to finally and fully be honest about what was missing from a relationship, and what’s worth saving.

*Name changed for privacy reasons

Anne Lamott: Death Sucks, And It's Holy

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Wed, 27 Nov 2019 12:00:00 -0500

"Your life will be greatly enhanced by spending time with dying people," Anne Lamott says. "Death is not the enemy. Snakes are."

Sign up for our newsletter at deathsexmoney.org/newsletter, and every Wednesday we'll send you podcast listening recommendations, listener letters from our inbox and updates from the show.

Follow our show on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram @deathsexmoney. Got a story to share? Email us any time at deathsexmoney@wnyc.org.

Support Death, Sex & Money today at deathsexmoney.org/donate.

Hasan Minhaj's Honest Mistakes

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Wed, 20 Nov 2019 12:00:00 -0500

Hasan Minhaj started doing stand-up sets during college, drawn to comedy by its "radical honesty." "I remember seeing Chris Rock's [special] Never Scared, and I remember him talking about George W. Bush, politics," he told me. "I worked at Safeway at the time...bagging groceries and stuff. Like, I can't talk about this at Safeway, I'll get fired. And that is what I loved about it."

But as Hasan was experimenting with being radically honest on stage about everything from his family to his political beliefs, he says he was being less honest in his personal life. After moving to Los Angeles post-graduation, he says he started lying to his parents, and to his then-girlfriend, Beena, about a lot of things.

Even though he's worked to repair those relationships, Hasan says it can still be tricky to navigate honesty, both on stage and off. On his Netflix show, Patriot Act, Hasan has taken on controversial topics like the elections in India or the Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia's involvement in the death of journalist Jamal Khashoggi. But sharing his honest opinions on stage can come with serious personal ramifications. "I have a duty to my loved ones and to my family too," he told me. "And figuring out that has been the new challenge for me."

Who's Driving Your Uber?

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Wed, 13 Nov 2019 12:00:00 -0500

Domestic violence. The ripples of the financial crisis. A new immigrant's dashed hopes. This is what we heard about two years ago after we asked, "Why'd you start driving for Uber?"

Sign up for our newsletter at deathsexmoney.org/newsletter, and every Wednesday we'll send you podcast listening recommendations, listener letters from our inbox and updates from the show.

Follow our show on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram @deathsexmoney. Got a story to share? Email us any time at deathsexmoney@wnyc.org.

Support Death, Sex & Money today at deathsexmoney.org/donate.

A Former Debt Collector's Unpaid Bills

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Wed, 06 Nov 2019 12:00:00 -0500

When Angela first started working at a debt collection agency, she says she barely understood what her job was. "I was so completely awestruck that people didn't pay their bills," she told me. "I thought this was going to be really easy. Honestly, I don't even know how I kept the job the first couple of weeks."

It wasn't easy. But Angela finally did start getting consumers to pay, and worked her way up in the industry. And then, 15 years into her career, she and several colleagues were sued for illegal debt collection practices by the Federal Trade Commission and the New York State Attorney General. Angela eventually settled, and as part of the agreement was banned from the industry for life and ordered to pay $4.4 million⁠. She says she's not sure she'll ever pay that off.

Now, Angela also has medical debt that's gone to collections. At first, she says she would pick up the phone when collectors called, just to critique them. "Now I just block the number and move on," she told me. "I will eventually get them paid off and until I can, there is no point in wasting their time."

If you're getting calls from debt collectors who you think might be breaking the law, find out how to contact your state's consumer protection office here.

When Breast Cancer Pauses Life At 35

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Wed, 30 Oct 2019 12:00:00 -0400

Kate Pickert was 35 years old when she was diagnosed with breast cancer. A longtime healthcare policy reporter, she understood a lot about medicine and the healthcare industry. But even with all that insight, Kate wasn't prepared for what the experience of being a cancer patient could be like. So, she started researching⁠—and found that the book she wanted to read, about the history of breast cancer and the way we treat it, wasn't out there. "The fact that this book didn't exist and women didn't know this story is like...something went wrong," Kate told me. So she decided to write it, and included some of her own experiences too.

The resulting book is called Radical: The Science, Culture and History of Breast Cancer in America. Kate talked with me about the choices—both expected and unexpected—that she made to maintain a sense of normalcy in her life during her treatment, including not telling her young daughter about her illness, and paying extra to keep her hair. And we talk about the trauma of her shock at her initial diagnosis—and why she still thinks about her breast cancer coming back at least once a day.

Scattered: The Camp

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Wed, 23 Oct 2019 12:00:00 -0400

About a year ago, we put out an episode that was actually a pilot of another show, by comedian Chris Garcia. It was his story about grieving his father's death from Alzheimer's, along with a conversation he had with fellow comedian Karen Kilgariff about her mother's death from Alzheimer's. We called that episode “Alzheimer's and the World's Saddest Comedy Club.”

At the time, we asked for your feedback about the pilot. And thanks in part to your enthusiastic response, that pilot has become a new podcast from WNYC Studios. The new show is called Scattered. In it, Chris explores his father's illness and death, but he also goes deeper into his father's Cuban roots, a history Chris can no longer ask his father about.

So we wanted to share some of that new show with you. This is episode two, called The Camp, where you'll hear about Chris's father's life before he left Cuba, when he was forced to work in a labor camp because he wanted to leave for the U.S.

Saeed Jones Talks About Sex. And Death. And Money.

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Wed, 16 Oct 2019 12:00:00 -0400

Saeed Jones' mother, Carol Sweet-Jones, died in 2011—six years after he came out to her over the phone from his college dorm room in Kentucky. They were close, but when Saeed walked into her hospital room the day after she had the heart attack that would end her life, he says he barely recognized her. "My mom was always very - she was very beautiful. She was elegant, chic," he told me. "And that was not the woman I saw in that bed."

Saeed was raised by his mother in Texas, where he recognized early that he was gay, but was afraid to be open about it. He writes about the complicated and sometimes lonely sexual experiences he had with other men during his teenage years in his new memoir, How We Fight For Our Lives—and about dealing with the aftermath of his mom's death as an only child. I talked with him from Columbus, Ohio, where he recently moved, and even more recently turned on his dating apps.

The Student Loan Nerd Helping Borrowers One Email At A Time

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Wed, 02 Oct 2019 12:00:00 -0400

A few years ago, Betsy Mayotte stumbled upon the student loan subreddit—a section on Reddit where users ask each other questions about student loan debt. "I can't afford to pay. What should I do? I'm in default. What should I do? I'm trying to see if I qualify for forgiveness program, my servicer told me this, is this right?," Betsy remembers reading. "It took me aback that these borrowers⁠—and a lot of them⁠—were so desperate for help that they were willing to ask strangers on the internet that they had no idea what their credentials were."

At the time, Betsy was working at American Student Assistance⁠, a non-profit guarantor for the federal student loan system. But after recognizing that borrowers desperately need advice about managing their student loans—and can't always turn to their loan servicers for reliable help—she left and started a non-profit called TISLA, or The Institute for Student Loan Advisors. In addition to advocating for student loan reform, she now spends much of her time answering individual borrowers' emailed questions. "I've had to make myself close down my email at night and not open it until I've done human being things in the morning, like take a shower," she laughs.

We also shared with Betsy some of the questions we received from you about student loan debt. Hear her take on whether Public Service Loan Forgiveness program is going away, how to track down all of your loans, and what to do if think you're being scammed.

Our Student Loan Secrets, Part 2

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Thu, 26 Sep 2019 12:00:00 -0400

Nathan realized he couldn't pay his rent and his monthly student loan payments. Beth* collapsed in tears while doing yoga because she couldn't stop worrying about money. Jordan set a calendar reminder to force herself to finally make her first payment.

In 2017, hundreds of you wrote in to tell us about how you're feeling about student loans, especially the mix of frustration and shame you feel about it. But we also heard stories of turning points—when something changed that redefined your relationship with your student loans.

For Beth, that meant radically changing her spending and allotting close to half of her taxable income toward student loan payments. Nathan converted a van into a mobile apartment to save on rent while he chips away at his $200,000 debt. And Jordan, after first telling me how she's dodged her student loans for two years, finally set up regular monthly payments.

"It started becoming something that was consequential but inconsequential at the same time. Something that can be controlled and doesn't control me," a listener named Krista said about finally getting help managing her student debt. "That was a huge revelation."

Go to deathsexmoney.org/studentloans for more stories and to see how your debt compares to national statistics and to other Death, Sex & Money listeners.

Our Student Loan Secrets, Part 1

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Wed, 25 Sep 2019 12:00:00 -0400

It's something that I think about—in some way—every single day.

When we asked you back in 2017 to tell us your stories about how student loans are impacting your life, we were overwhelmed by your responses. We heard about years of incremental payments and the thrill of getting to a zero balance, but also about delayed weddings, tensions with your parents over your shared debt, and fading hopes of ever buying a home or saving for retirement.

The student loan crisis has only compounded since our initial call for listener responses. Students who graduated with a bachelor's degree last year averaged about $29,200 in student loan debt, an average about 2% higher than 2017 graduates. And that debt is fundamentally reshaping how you think about the value of education and the milestones of adulthood.

"You sort of feel lost and like you totally screwed up somehow because you just couldn't figure it out," a listener named Dena said about struggling to make loan payments ten years after college. "And the rest of the world is making money and paying their bills and there's this subculture of individuals who are book smart and world stupid."

"I don't know how else to put it except that I almost made it," a listener named Sharif said. He put himself through school with loans to became a chemical engineer, but feels embarrassed by his six-figure debt and never talks about it. "I felt like a total, complete idiot that I put myself in this position."

For some of you, that embarrassment has become denial. "I just didn’t pay," Jordan Gibbs told me about receiving her first student loan statement. "Like, I just felt like, how can you expect me to start paying you $700 a month? Which is just a crazy number. I can’t even afford to pay rent."

Today we listen back to stories about how the tough choices we make to afford an education are having unexpected effects, long after graduation.

Go to deathsexmoney.org/studentloans for more stories and to see how your debt compares to national statistics and to other Death, Sex & Money listeners. And look out for part two of this series for stories about how some of you stopped feeling stuck and started taking control of your student loans.

Death, Sex & Money Archive

wnycdigital@gmail.com (WNYC Studios) — Thu, 19 Sep 2019 11:14:11 -0400

2014

How to Be a Man With Bill Withers
Brooklyn Left Me Broke and Tired
This Senator Saved My Love Life
Confessions of a Nashville Power Couple
I Married the Gay Father of My Child
Jane Fonda After Death and Divorce
Alpha Dad Gets Snipped
Dan Savage Says Cheating Happens. And That's OK.
I Love You, But There's This Money Thing...
A Player Leaves the Game
Chaz Ebert on Life Without Roger
Cult Comedy Heroes Have Bills to Pay, Too
Meet the First Family...of Podcasting
The NFL Made Me Rich. I Won't Watch It Now.
My Father's Secret Life
Ellen Burstyn's Lessons on Survival
A Funeral Director’s Dead Reckoning
James McBride Resets
College Sweethearts: Transformed
I Killed Someone. Now I Have 3 Kids.
Living Alone and Liking It. Sometimes.

2015

Desiree Akhavan's Breakthrough Breakup
Margaret Cho's Sex Education
Songs in the Key of Strife
Real Love: A Valentine's Special from Death, Sex & Money
Cheating Happens.
Where is Lisa Fischer's Backup?
Cancer Changed Ken Jeong's Comedy
In Sickness and In Mental Health
Hedwig, Older and a Little Less Angry
W. Kamau Bell Wonders How Much Is Enough
Brooklyn Left Me Broke, But I Came Back
Robert Earl Keen Quit Nashville and Stayed Married
2 Couples, 1 Poet, a Rock Band and a Dog
A Dirty Cop Comes Clean
Siblinghood
A Funeral Director's Life After Burnout
Joy Williams' Public Breakup and Private Grief
Life as a Wife
In New Orleans: From Raising Hell to Raising Kids
In New Orleans: Becoming the Demo Diva
In New Orleans: Big Freedia Bounces Back
In New Orleans: A Doctor's Adopted Home
In New Orleans: How to Get Elected Coroner
From Chaos to Sesame Street
The Sex Worker Next Door
An Astronaut’s Husband, Left Behind
The Power of Yesi Ortiz
All in the Family of Norman Lear
Kevin Powell Doesn't Fight Anymore
Why You're Not Having Sex
Holland Taylor Steps Off Her Island
Autism Isn’t What I Signed Up For
Stop Calling Me 'The Homeless Valedictorian'
Living Alone, One Year Later

2016

Brooke Shields, Recovering Daughter
Why Jeb Corliss Jumps Off Cliffs
Lucinda Williams Says Whatever the Hell She Wants
DANCE BREAK!
Michael Ian Black's Middle-Aged Angst
Falling in Love... With Heroin
After My Brother Avonte Disappeared
Rosie, Sixto, Hari, Uma, Mahershala, Amatus, Lisa & Dan
Dead People Don't Have Any Secrets
When I Almost Died
Diane Guerrero on Debt and Deportation
From Conversion Therapy to a Rainbow Yarmulke
How Jeff Daniels Got Sober, Again
An Update from Susanne
Danielle Brooks Is Ready to Talk About Sex
Inside Planned Parenthood
Tituss Burgess Airs His Laundry
We're Not Going To Have Karl Again
Siblinghood, One Year Later
Dating Was So Hard, Until It Wasn't
Anna Chlumsky Catches the Worm
Your Death, Sex & Money Short Stories – Live!
Life Is a Mystery
The Great Guest Takeover
Sonia Manzano & Justice Sonia Sotomayor
Chris Gethard & Tim Dillon
Diane Gill Morris & Officer Robert Zink
Ellen Burstyn & Gloria Steinem
I Was More Angry At God
If You're Not ____, Then Never Mind
What Money Can't Solve
Other Americans
Let's Talk About Porn
My Awkward Money Talk With Sallie Krawcheck
A Son and His Mom Laugh Through Darkness

2017

Tracy Clayton Is Speaking Things Into Existence
I Had Babies To Pay For My Baby
Mahershala Ali on Faith, Love and Success
The NFL Made Me Rich. Now I Watch It... Sometimes.
Cut Loose: Your Breakup Stories
Cristela Alonzo's Lower Classy Comedy
Live from the Internet: Jason Isbell, Amanda Shires & You
I Was Your Father, Until I Wasn't
A Prison Guard In Transition
Why Rashema Melson Left Georgetown
Pleased to Meet You, Nancy
Alec Baldwin Talks Money, Family, Fame and Cocaine
Newlywed and Paralyzed
Two Wheelchairs and A Baby
Kevin Bacon Shows Us His Cash
'Precious' Paid Off Gabourey Sidibe's Crunch Gym Debt
Hari Kondabolu and His Mom Answer Your Life Questions
Who's Driving Your Uber?
Coming Soon: Our Student Loan Secrets
Our Student Loan Secrets, Part 1
Our Student Loan Secrets, Part 2
I Killed Someone. Now I Have Three Kids: Updated
My Husband Killed Someone. Now He Might Get Out.
Bonus! Anna Talks Interviewing with Jesse Thorn
The Cookie That Ended Jeff Garlin's Sobriety
When Grief Looks Like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Katie Couric on Death and Dishonesty
As Harvey Hits, Looking Back at New Orleans
Tracy Clayton's 2017 So Far: Therapy, Forts and Auto Bill Pay
Our Student Loan Questions Live: Part One
Our Student Loan Questions Live: Part Two
Why I Steal
Ellen Burstyn's Lessons on Survival
Life in Our 20s: Advice from Niecy Nash, Alia Shawkat & Terri Coleman
Why She Steals: Your Reactions
A Bitcoin Mogul Goes Broke
What Lisa Ling Regrets
Finding Love, And A Kidney, On Tinder
Gabrielle Union Is Fed Up
Your Workplace Rage, And Mine
I Can't Fix It: A First Responder and Heroin
I Felt Like The Story Had To Change: Life After Heroin

2018

Pull Quote: Plunging In
All Your Workplace Rage
Preview: Opportunity Costs
Opportunity Costs: Friendship and Fertility
Opportunity Costs: An Education or Nothing
Opportunity Costs: The Class Slide After Divorce
Opportunity Costs: More Is Not More
Opportunity Costs: I Never Felt Inferior
After Suicides, a Texas Veterinary Community Opens Up
Lena Waithe Says Have a Dream... and a Sponsor
Sharing DNA, and Nothing Else
From Indie Rockers to Full-Time Caregivers
15 Years Later, An Iraq Veteran Looks Back
A Son, A Mother, and Two Gun Crimes
When 'Daddy Dates' Pay The Bills
Your Student Loan Updates
Tayari Jones on Frills and Freedom
Hot Dates: Romance Right Now
John Prine Wanted to Be Normal
Hot Dates: Do As I Say, Not As I Do
Hot Dates: Help from an OKCupid Guru
Manhood, Now
Hot Dates: A Middle School Teacher Walks Into A Bar...
How to Be a Man With Bill Withers, Revisited
Hot Dates: "I'm Supposed to Be Certain"
A Wife Interviews Her Husband About Manhood, Now
Manhood, Now: Live
Hot Dates: Open to Open Relationships
Tig Notaro Isn't a Blob Anymore
Hot Dates: From One Hot Dater to Another
Alzheimer's and the World's Saddest Comedy Club
Nick Offerman Can Take Directions
Hot Dates: Last Summer Nights
Jane Fonda After Death and Divorce, Revisted
I Served 27 Years In Prison. Now, I'm Out On Parole.
When Fire Takes Everything: Rebuilding in Northern California
Tell Us Your Sex Ed Fails
Why Governor Jennifer Granholm Cut Her Hair
John Green Thinks Adulthood is Underrated
Married, Paralyzed and Moving On
I Married A Dreamer During The Trump Presidency
When A Banker Was Called To The Convent

2019

Our Sex (Mis)Educations
I Wanted To Be A "Good Girl"
So Many Sex Ed Fails
Sexually Transmitted Secrets
How Do You Bring Up Your STI?
Let's Talk About Porn Again
How Nikki Giovanni Finally Learned To Cry
Autism Isn't What I Signed Up For
When We Sent Our Son Away
José Andrés Googled ‘How To Be A Father’
Daniel K. Isaac Is Opting For The Gray Area
A Father and Daughter Talk About Layoffs
The 2019 Maternity Leave Lineup
Lisa Ling & Awkwafina: Shut Up, Let Me Shine
John Cameron Mitchell & Marilyn Maye: I Will Survive
Damon Young & Kiese Laymon: The "Good Dude" Closet
Jason Isbell & Will Welch: Somebody Needs Me
Al Letson & Nikole Hannah-Jones: Sensitive, Not Scared
Tressie McMillan Cottom & Trevor Noah: Optimistic and Depressed
Alia Shawkat & Esther Perel: Life In Our 30s, And 60s
Mahershala Ali & Rafael Casal: Envy Is A Hell Of A Drug
Sarah Smarsh & Nick Smarsh: Are You Different Than Me?
Tayari Jones & Carrie Mae Weems: What's It Like Up There?
When Work Changes, So Do We
A Brother, A Sister, And Their Eating Disorders
Rashema Melson's Weakest Yet Bravest Moments
Bottled Up: Your Stories About Drinking
Michael Arceneaux On Love, Liquid Courage And Letting Go
How Are You "Surfing The Urge" To Drink?
My Stillbirth During Anna's Maternity Leave
Raphael Saadiq: Music Had To Be My Therapy
50 Years Married To A Man Named Sissy
E. Jean Carroll: More Interesting, Not Damaged
Our Student Loan Secrets, Part 1
Our Student Loan Secrets, Part 2
The Student Loan Nerd Helping Borrowers One Email At A Time
Saeed Jones Talks About Sex. And Death. And Money.
Scattered: The Camp
When Breast Cancer Pauses Life At 35
A Former Debt Collector's Unpaid Bills
Who's Driving Your Uber?
Hasan Minhaj's Honest Mistakes
Anne Lamott: Death Sucks, And It's Holy
Cheating Happens
The Children of Heart Mountain
Liz Phair's Rebellious Streak Works For Her
Death, Sex & Money's 2019 Year End Spectacular

2020

Saeed Jones's New Year's Determinations
Inside Planned Parenthood
Between Friends: Your Stories About Race and Friendship
Ask Code Switch: What About Your Friends?
Who Are Your 'Quick And Deep' Friends?
Carmen Maria Machado Is Using The Word 'Abusive'
No Slumping With Twyla Tharp
Cancer Changed Ken Jeong's Comedy
Maria Bamford Didn't Wait For It To Be Perfect
Sugar Babies Cost Me $8,000 And My Marriage
Why You're Not Having Sex
Alone Together: A COVID-19 Call-In
Ben Sinclair Is A Fan Of Endings
We Made A Pandemic Tool Kit
What Rockstars And Sober People Already Know About Quarantine
Confessions of a Nashville Power Couple
If You Can't Isolate, What Do You Need?
A Surgical Nurse On Being Essential
"We Are The Glue": Stories From Essential Workers
"Nobody Comes Here To Hide": Remembering Bill Withers
Goodbye, John Prine
A Weekend Homework Assignment From Tayari Jones
An Immunocompromised Love Story
They Were Managing Their OCD. Then Came The Pandemic.
Student Loans And The Pandemic: Your Questions, Answered
Samantha Irby Is Prepared To Gracefully Bow Out
What Is A "Good Death" During A Pandemic?
Madeleine Albright On Ambition and Obsoleteness
Financial Therapy: Meet Amanda Clayman
Financial Therapy: What Is Our Savings For?
Financial Therapy: Why Did I Take That Risk?
What Do You Need To Say Right Now?
Financial Therapy: How Much Should I Help My Family?
"This Has Been A Long Time Coming."
I Love You, But There's This Money Thing...
An Essential Worker, Going Back In
When Six Feet Isn't An Option
Skin Hunger: Part 1
Skin Hunger: Part 2
What Money Can't Solve
Books We Love: Michael Arceneaux’s “I Don’t Want To Die Poor”
A Widow’s Guide To Grieving
How Bobby Berk Became A Boss
Books We Love: A Big Conversation About "Big Friendship"
Rent Is Due Tomorrow
What Keeps Wendell Pierce Up At Night
This Senator Saved My Love Life
"They Rely On Me": An Update From A USPS Mail Carrier
Books We Love: Inside The Bubble With Akwaeke Emezi
Drop Off: A 24-Hour Daycare's Struggle To Stay Open
Supreme Court Justice Sotomayor On Racism, Insecurity and Negotiation
A Broadway Actor Turned Stay-At-Home Dad
How Maria Hinojosa Learned To Fluff Her Feathers
Game Changer: A Minor League Pitcher's Lost Season
Game Changer: Whether To Play, And Protest, In The NFL
Game Changer: A BMX Olympic Hopeful Looks To 2021
Getting Real About Getting Older
Audio We Love Fest: Goodbye To All This
Audio We Love Fest: Constellation Prize
Audio We Love Fest: California Love
Alice Wong On Ruckuses, Rage And Medicaid
What’s Going On In Your Immigrant Family's Group Chat?
51 Years Loving A Man Named Sissy
I Killed Someone. Now I Study Police Violence.
Miguel Gutierrez's Strongly Worded Emails About Art and Money
Living Alone and Liking It. Sometimes.
Stuck Apart, And Falling In Love
All That 2020 Has Taken From Us
Death, Sex & 2020

E. Jean Carroll: More Interesting, Not Damaged

Wed, 18 Sep 2019 12:00:00 -0400

At 75, E. Jean Carroll is calling out the men who've sexually assaulted her—including, she says, the president. But talk to a therapist about it? No thanks.

Sign up for our newsletter at deathsexmoney.org/newsletter, and every Wednesday we'll send you podcast listening recommendations, listener letters from our inbox and updates from the show.

Follow our show on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram @deathsexmoney. Got a story to share? Email us any time at deathsexmoney@wnyc.org.

Support Death, Sex & Money today at deathsexmoney.org/donate.

50 Years Married To A Man Named Sissy

Wed, 11 Sep 2019 12:00:00 -0400

Douglas, Wyoming, natives Vickie and Sissy Goodwin got married in 1968. It was around the time they started their lives together that Vickie learned of a secret Sissy had been harboring since childhood—a preference for feminine clothing and cross-dressing in private. When Sissy decided to start wearing skirts, dresses and frills in public a few years into their marriage, Vickie struggled to accept it. And the couple quickly learned that Sissy's self-acceptance came with an often violent public backlash, both at home in Douglas and elsewhere.

We visited Vickie and Sissy at their home, for a conversation about masculinity, resiliency and staying married for 50 years.

Vickie and Sissy Goodwin at their home in Douglas, Wyoming

(Katie Bishop)

The World's Largest Jackalope in Douglas, Wyoming

(Flickr/Ken Mickles)

Raphael Saadiq: Music Had To Be My Therapy

Wed, 04 Sep 2019 12:00:00 -0400

Musical icon Raphael Saadiq talks to us about using music to cope with loss, reflecting on love, and creating light in darkness.

Listen to Anna's Spotify playlist of her favorite Raphael Saadiq songs and collaborations here.

Sign up for our newsletter at deathsexmoney.org/newsletter, and every Wednesday we'll send you podcast listening recommendations, listener letters from our inbox and updates from the show.

Follow our show on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram @deathsexmoney. Got a story to share? Email us any time at deathsexmoney@wnyc.org.

Support Death, Sex & Money today at deathsexmoney.org/donate.

My Stillbirth During Anna's Maternity Leave

Wed, 28 Aug 2019 12:00:00 -0400

Pregnancy loss happens a lot. Of women who know they’re pregnant, 10 to 15 percent will have a miscarriage before 20 weeks. After that point, pregnancy loss is called a stillbirth. One in 100 pregnancies ends that way. That's what happened to a listener named Krystal, who lost her son Everett this past spring at full term.

A few months after her son died, Krystal sent us an email with the subject line, "My stillbirth during Anna's maternity leave." She wrote about how her son's death had left her feeling really isolated, and changed. "I still feel as if I'm in a vacuum and looking out at the world with no more sense of self," she wrote. "It’s incomprehensible and earth-shattering. I can’t explain how out of sorts it makes me feel."

We get a lot of emails from you about pregnancy loss—and the culture of silence around it. So I asked Krystal if she'd talk with me about her experience: what happened the night she delivered her son, how it feels to be in a postpartum body while grieving, and how she and her husband are taking care of themselves—and their older child—now.

If you want to hear more conversations about pregnancy loss, we've got a few recommendations of other podcasts to listen to here. They're part of a collaborative spreadsheet where you can also suggest the books, podcasts, songs and other things that have helped you grieve if you've experienced pregnancy loss.

How Are You "Surfing The Urge" To Drink?

Wed, 14 Aug 2019 12:00:00 -0400

In our episode featuring your stories about drinking, our listener Rachel told us about realizing she'd slipped into a nightly drinking habit—and trying to curb some of her desire to drink. "You have to kind of surf the urge," she explained. "Recognize that it's there, breathe into it, surf it out, try to distract yourself."

We asked you all to tell us how you "surf the urge"—what gets you through those times when you're arguing with yourself about whether to drink or not? From french fries to soccer leagues to pot, here's what you told us.

If you missed our episode about the ways drinking is and isn't working for you, go back and check it out. And if you're worried about the way you—or someone else in your life—are drinking, we've gathered a list of resources that might be helpful for you.

Michael Arceneaux On Love, Liquid Courage And Letting Go

Wed, 07 Aug 2019 12:00:00 -0400

The writer talks about how alcohol has helped him let go of his inhibitions and embrace his sexuality—after growing up in a house where drinking often led to violence.

In our last episode, we asked you about what you do when you're trying to cut back on drinking—and the desire for a drink hits. What do you do instead? Record a voice memo and send it in to deathsexmoney@wnyc.org.

Sign up for our newsletter at deathsexmoney.org/newsletter, and every Wednesday we'll send you podcast listening recommendations, listener letters from our inbox and updates from the show.

Follow our show on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram @deathsexmoney. Got a story to share? Email us any time at deathsexmoney@wnyc.org.

Support Death, Sex & Money today at deathsexmoney.org/donate.

Bottled Up: Your Stories About Drinking

Wed, 31 Jul 2019 12:00:00 -0400

We asked you about your relationships with alcohol—why you drink, or don't, the strategies you use to manage your consumption, and what alcohol brings you besides a buzz. Here's what you told us.

If you or someone you know is struggling with alcohol or seeking more information about alcohol consumption, check out these resources.

Sign up for our newsletter at deathsexmoney.org/newsletter, and every Wednesday we'll send you podcast listening recommendations, listener letters from our inbox and updates from the show.

Follow our show on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram @deathsexmoney. Got a story to share? Email us any time at deathsexmoney@wnyc.org.

Support Death, Sex & Money today at deathsexmoney.org/donate.

Resources for Problem Drinking

Wed, 31 Jul 2019 03:00:00 -0400

Alcoholics Anonymous: Alcoholics Anonymous is an international resource which connects individuals who have/had a drinking problem. Alcohol Anonymous uses a twelve step approach to recovery and wellness with regular group meetings.

Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration: The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration offers information and resources around a number of different substances including alcohol. Call their help line (1-800-662-HELP (4357)) to be connected with assistance for seeking help and treatment options.

Al-Anon Family Groups: Al-Anon is a support group for people with a loved one who is affected by alcohol, regardless of whether or not the loved one has admitted to a problem or is seeking help for their addiction. Al-Anon also offers special assistance and support for teens with loved ones with an alcohol addiction.

Women For Sobriety: A non-profit organization catering to women seeking recovery for substance use disorders. Women for Sobriety has "certified moderators and chat leaders leading mutual support groups online and in person, as well as phone volunteers available for one-on-one support." They welcome all expressions of female identity.

Self-Managing and Recovery Training: SMART recovery offers assistance to a broad range of addictive behaviors and substances, including alcohol. Using social support groups and a variety of other tools such as self-assessments and worksheets, SMART Recovery utilizes a "self-empowering" approach for treatment.

Rashema Melson's Weakest Yet Bravest Moments

Wed, 24 Jul 2019 12:00:00 -0400

In early May, we got an email from Rashema Melson. I'd first met her in 2015, in her dorm's common room at Georgetown University, where she was adjusting to life on campus after living in a Washington, D.C. homeless shelter in high school. Soon after we met, she got married and dropped out. I talked with her again two years later, in 2017, when she'd decided to end her marriage and go back to college.

Now, Rashema was reaching out to tell us that she was graduating from Georgetown—and that she'd recently listened back to her "weakest yet bravest moments" captured on the show. I talk with Rashema about what she's doing now, post-graduation—and I hear about how her last two years on campus at Georgetown felt very different than her first two.

A Brother, A Sister, And Their Eating Disorders

Wed, 17 Jul 2019 12:00:00 -0400

Siblings Charlie* and Oscar* were always close growing up. But as they got older, there was one thing that they didn't talk together about: the way they eat.

Both Charlie and Oscar struggle with different types of eating disorders—Charlie has struggled with bulimia, and Oscar has anorexia. Despite their closeness and years-long suspicions about each other's eating habits, it's taken a long time to open up about their difficulties with food to each other. When they finally had their first real conversation about it last summer, Charlie said it "felt like I was coming out."

"This was finally like pointing a finger at it," Oscar responded. "And saying, 'This is a thing that exists.'"

Are you or someone you know struggling with an eating disorder? We've compiled resources here.

*Names changed

Resources for Eating Disorders

Wed, 17 Jul 2019 04:00:00 -0400

If you are in crisis, text "NEDA" to 741741 to be connected with a volunteer at the Crisis Text Line.

The National Eating Disorders Association is a non-profit which seeks to help individuals and families affected by eating disorders. They have several different resources on their web page including a screening tool which can help you determine if it’s time to seek professional help. They also provide a helpline (1-800-931-2237) where you can be connected with a trained volunteer. If you prefer to instant message, NEDA provides an online chat assistance service as well.

The National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders is a non-profit which provides numerous resources for those affected by eating disorders. Along with their helpline (630-577-1330), ANAD can connect you with a mentor in recovery or support groups in your area. They also offer training for loved ones to become ‘grocery buddies’ who can assist with grocery shopping.

Mirror Mirror offers information about various types of eating disorders and how they affect different subgroups (men, teenagers, etc.). They also have tips about how to tell someone you have an eating disorder, and how to select the right therapist for you.

F.E.A.S.T. is an online support community for parents and loved ones of people affected by an eating disorder. F.E.A.S.T. offers resources such as in-person support groups, online chats with other parents and downloadable family guides to help you learn more about eating disorders.

ProjectHEAL is an organization committed to recovery for all. They offer resources such as mentorship programs, support groups, as well as a treatment access program which offers grant money to receive high-quality clinical care to aid in recovery.

Overeaters Anonymous follows a Twelve-Step program patterned after Alcoholics Anonymous. It offers "physical, emotional and spiritual recovery for those who suffer from compulsive eating."

When Work Changes, So Do We

Wed, 10 Jul 2019 12:00:00 -0400

As I return from maternity leave, I'm thinking a lot about work and identity. So is Uma Kondabolu, who recently retired from the place where she worked for almost 30 years.

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Tayari Jones & Carrie Mae Weems: What's It Like Up There?

Wed, 26 Jun 2019 12:00:00 -0400

In the final installment of our maternity leave lineup, bestselling author Tayari Jones sits down with artist Carrie Mae Weems to talk about independence, art, relationships, and one very fabulous white silk dress worn for a spur-of-the-moment wedding.

This episode is part of our 2019 Maternity Leave Lineup of guest hosted shows while our regular host, Anna Sale, is out on leave. Are you new to Death, Sex & Money? Check out our starter kit of some of our favorite episodes. And subscribe to our weekly email newsletter! Every Wednesday we send out podcast listening recommendations, fascinating letters from our inbox and updates from the show. Sign up at deathsexmoney.org/newsletter.

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Sarah Smarsh & Nick Smarsh: Are You Different Than Me?

Wed, 19 Jun 2019 12:00:00 -0400

As a journalist and author, Sarah Smarsh has built her career around examining socioeconomic class. In 2018, her book Heartland: A Memoir of Working Hard and Being Broke in the Richest Country on Earth became a New York Times bestseller and was a finalist for the 2018 National Book Award.

Sarah grew up outside of Wichita, Kansas, and spent much of her childhood on her family's farm. The Farm Crisis during the 1980s led to her family leaving farming behind, and her dad, Nick, had to find work elsewhere⁠—first, he worked locally on construction crews; now, he puts up buildings for fast food chains in far-flung places like Mississippi and Texas.

In this audio essay, Sarah interviews her dad about the changes he's endured throughout his lifetime, and about how, at 63, he thinks about his future as someone who builds things with his hands.

This episode is part of Death, Sex & Money's 2019 Maternity Leave Lineup.

Mahershala Ali & Rafael Casal: Envy Is A Hell Of A Drug

Wed, 12 Jun 2019 12:00:00 -0400

The Oscar-winning actor interviews the co-creator of one of his favorite movies of 2018, Blindspotting, about his childhood as a "knucklehead" in the Bay Area, finding a creative partner, and avoiding jealousy.

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Alia Shawkat & Esther Perel: Life In Our 30s, And 60s

Wed, 05 Jun 2019 12:00:00 -0400

The last time Alia Shawkat was on the show, she was offering advice about being in your 20s. Now she's back, this time, getting advice about her 30s from therapist Esther Perel.

Support Death, Sex & Money today at deathsexmoney.org/donate.

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Tressie McMillan Cottom & Trevor Noah: Optimistic and Depressed

Wed, 22 May 2019 12:00:00 -0400

The Daily Show host says he sometimes struggles to get out of bed. But he's comfortable saying that with a smile.

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Al Letson & Nikole Hannah-Jones: Sensitive, Not Scared

Wed, 15 May 2019 12:00:00 -0400

Journalist Nikole Hannah-Jones spends time in some pretty elite spaces—she's a staff writer at The New York Times Magazine, the recipient of a MacArthur "genius" grant, and a force to be reckoned with on Twitter. But, as she tells Al Letson (host of Reveal), she's careful not to forget her roots in Waterloo, Iowa, and the people there who raised her. "The benefit of being a working class black girl who has spent a lot of time around more affluent white people is you do quickly learn they're actually not really smarter than you," she says. "They just have had advantages of things and opportunities that you haven't had." This week, the two of them talk about Nikole's childhood growing up in a biracial family, reporting on inequality from a place of anger, and what happened when she tried therapy last year.

You can find episodes of Reveal, the podcast from The Center for Investigative Reporting, here. And you can read Nikole's essay for The New York Times Magazine about choosing a school for her daughter here.

Jason Isbell & Will Welch: Somebody Needs Me

Wed, 08 May 2019 12:00:00 -0400

The Nashville singer-songwriter and the editor-in-chief of GQ Magazine sit down together to talk about their close friendship, Will's recent cancer diagnosis, expensive risk-taking, and their shared sobriety.

Follow the show on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram. Got a story to share? Email us any time at deathsexmoney@wnyc.org.

Damon Young & Kiese Laymon: The "Good Dude" Closet

Wed, 24 Apr 2019 12:00:00 -0400

Writers Damon Young and Kiese Laymon both are on book tour, promoting their acclaimed memoirs. And while they've been friends via social media for years, they'd never met face to face before recording a conversation for Death, Sex & Money. The two sat down together to talk about basketball and body image, money anxieties, and why being a "good dude" might be more about fear than anything else.

Damon Young is the co-founder and editor-in-chief of Very Smart Brothas, and the author of "What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Blacker". Kiese Laymon is a professor of English and Creative Writing at the University of Mississippi, and the author of "Heavy: An American Memoir".

John Cameron Mitchell & Marilyn Maye: I Will Survive

Wed, 17 Apr 2019 12:00:00 -0400

The actor and Hedwig and the Angry Inch creator talks with 91-year-old cabaret singing legend Marilyn Maye about love affairs, alcoholism and their hopes and fears about aging.

Please give to our spring fundraising campaign and keep Death, Sex & Money strong. If we get 150 new supporters by April 30th, we'll unlock a special treat for everyone. Head on over to deathsexmoney.org/donate to give, or text "DSM" to 70101. And thank you!

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Lisa Ling & Awkwafina: Shut Up, Let Me Shine

Wed, 10 Apr 2019 12:00:00 -0400

The Crazy Rich Asians actor talks with guest host Lisa Ling about how Bambi helped her process her mom's death, and why she has no qualms about turning down offers to do high-paying panty liner commercials.

The Death, Sex & Money community is a vibrant one because of you! Please give to our spring fundraising campaign and keep us strong. If we get 150 new supporters by April 30th, we'll unlock a special treat for everyone. Head on over to deathsexmoney.org/donate to give, or text "DSM" to 70101. And thank you!

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The 2019 Maternity Leave Lineup

Mon, 08 Apr 2019 12:00:00 -0400

Having a Death, Sex & Money-style conversation isn't easy. It's long. It's intense. And it can get very awkward. In those moments when you might gloss over a sensitive topic, break the tension, and move on to the next question...you instead have to dig a little deeper. Get a little more personal.

But our lineup of guest hosts—former show guests and some new folks, too—are up for the challenge. And while host Anna Sale finishes up her maternity leave, you'll get to listen in as they have tough conversations with the people they're most curious about.

Among them: Journalist Lisa Ling talks with rapper and actor Awkwafina about losing her mom as a kid and finding unconditional love as an adult. John Cameron Mitchell interviews 91-year-old cabaret legend Marilyn Maye about her love affairs with alcoholic men and her fears about ending up in a nursing home. Writer Damon Young sits down with author Kiese Laymon to talk about body image and money anxieties. Americana singer Jason Isbell interviews GQ editor-in-chief (and his best friend) Will Welch about masculinity, mental health and their shared sobriety.

These conversations and a whole lot more are coming to you starting this Wednesday, April 10. Don't miss them!

A Father and Daughter Talk About Layoffs

Wed, 27 Mar 2019 12:00:00 -0400

We asked for your stories about being laid off. A listener named Stephanie wrote in about her dad.

Take our survey about losing a job by going to deathsexmoney.org/laidoff. And find advice from other listeners about how to handle a layoff by texting "LAID OFF" to 70101.

Don't forget to subscribe to our weekly email newsletter! Every Wednesday we send out podcast listening recommendations, fascinating letters from our inbox and updates from the show. Sign up at deathsexmoney.org/newsletter.

Follow the show on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram. Got a story to share? Email us any time at deathsexmoney@wnyc.org.

Daniel K. Isaac Is Opting For The Gray Area

Wed, 20 Mar 2019 12:00:00 -0400

As a teen, Daniel K. Isaac fought his sexuality. But accepting that part of himself as an adult has meant finding new, complicated ways of relating to his mother.

Please give to support Death, Sex & Money. If we get 150 new supporters by April 30th, we'll unlock a special treat for the whole community. Head on over to deathsexmoney.org/donate to give, or text "DSM" to 70101. And thank you!

And don't forget to subscribe to our weekly email newsletter! Every Wednesday we send out podcast listening recommendations, fascinating letters from our inbox and updates from the show. Sign up at deathsexmoney.org/newsletter.

Follow the show on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram. Got a story to share? Email us any time at deathsexmoney@wnyc.org.

José Andrés Googled ‘How To Be A Father’

Wed, 06 Mar 2019 12:00:00 -0500

José Andrés is at the helm of more than a dozen restaurants and is famous for his humanitarian work. But when it comes to parenting, he says he's often felt less than confident.

Apply for our Summer 2019 internship in New York! Applications are due March 21st, 2019. Head over here to apply.

Follow the show on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram. Got a story to share? Email us any time at deathsexmoney@wnyc.org.

When We Sent Our Son Away

Wed, 20 Feb 2019 12:00:00 -0500

We first met Diane Gill Morris three years ago, when her two sons, Kenny and Theo, were in their early teens. Both of them are autistic, and Diane worried about where they would end up living—and who would end up caring for them—when they became adults. "When they were little, it was all about figuring out how to help them," Diane told us. "Now it’s, okay, this is who they are. I can continue to help them grow and evolve....But the hard part is just accepting that this is quite conceivably the rest of my life."

We recently checked in with Diane, who moved with her entire family into a house that seemed perfect for them to live in together as they aged. But when her younger son, Theo, started having violent outbursts at home, their plan of continuing to care for him was thrown into question.

Did you miss our first episode with Diane? Go back and listen. Diane also guest hosted Death, Sex & Money in 2016. Hear her conversation with two other parents of autistic children, including a police officer, here.

Autism Isn't What I Signed Up For

Tue, 19 Feb 2019 12:00:00 -0500

Diane Gill Morris was 25 when her first son, Kenny, was born. About 15 months later, she and her husband realized that he’d stopped talking. By the time Kenny was officially diagnosed with autism, Diane’s second son, Theo, was eight months old. Less than a year later, he was also showing signs of the disorder.

Diane left a comment on our Facebook page in response to an article about people who are considering having kids. "I have sacrificed a huge part of who I am—given up my career, gone broke, accepted social isolation," she wrote. "If someone had told me this is what it would be like, I never would have had kids."

We first shared this episode in December 2015. Diane also guest hosted Death, Sex & Money in 2016. Tomorrow, look out for a new episode with Diane about what's happened since her sons have become young adults and she's faced new challenges as a caregiver.

How Nikki Giovanni Finally Learned To Cry

Wed, 06 Feb 2019 12:00:00 -0500

The legendary poet talks with host Anna Sale in front of a live audience about standing up to her father, surviving breast and lung cancer, and why she now cries "over any damn thing."

Have you ever been laid off? We want to hear about it—how you talked about it, how it changed your finances, and what helped you feel better. Take our survey at deathsexmoney.org/laidoff.

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Let's Talk About Porn Again

Wed, 23 Jan 2019 12:00:00 -0500

We're revisiting our most-listened to episode ever, about porn. Your stories about secret hard drives, fantasy plot lines, illegal downloads, titillating Tumblr feeds, and giving porn up completely.

We're sharing this episode as part of our month-long series called Our Sex (Mis)Educations. Find the entire series here.

Want to tell us something? Email us any time at deathsexmoney@wnyc.org.

How Do You Bring Up Your STI?

Fri, 18 Jan 2019 12:00:00 -0500

This week, we put out an episode about sexually transmitted infections. A lot of people featured in the episode talked about what happened after they told a potential partner about their STI. But we heard from a listener who wants to hear what those disclosure conversations actually sound like. And we do too! So we need your help.

Find our entire series, Our Sex (Mis)Educations, here.

Sexually Transmitted Secrets

Wed, 16 Jan 2019 12:00:00 -0500

STI rates are on the rise. But when we asked our listeners to tell us their stories about having an STI, what we heard about was how alone it makes you feel.

This episode is part of our month-long series called Our Sex (Mis)Educations. Find the entire series here.

Do you have a photo that sums up a big workplace transition for you? We want to see it! Send it to deathsexmoney@wnyc.org or put it on Instagram with the hashtag #dsmatwork. See the photos we've collected so far @deathsexmoney on Instagram.

Want to tell us something? Email us any time at deathsexmoney@wnyc.org.

More About STIs

Wed, 16 Jan 2019 04:00:00 -0500

For a lot of us, the last time we learned anything about STIs was during a high school sex ed class—when we may or may not have been paying close attention. So we've compiled some reading recommendations for those of you who are curious to learn more.

One of the big things that caught our attention while researching this episode was the fact that STI testing isn't universally recommended. For example, the CDC recommends against testing for herpes unless you have symptoms. There's a lengthy explanation of why that is here, but the short explanation is that the test isn't very accurate in asymptomatic people, and the health impacts of herpes are relatively minor. We also learned in our research that public health officials only encourage women and gay men to get tested for STIs regularly. This VICE article explains why.

Another surprising fact that Debbie Bamberger, the nurse practitioner in our episode, shared with us is that the risk of herpes transmission to a partner is relatively low—one 1992 study following couples showed it happened roughly 10 percent of the time. It's possible to reduce that risk by practicing safer sex. If you're looking for tips, we found this column helpful, as well as this series of videos from Planned Parenthood.

Finally, Conor, one of the people featured in our episode who has herpes, told us he sends a "homework packet" to potential partners who want to know more about herpes after he tells them he has it. With his permission, we're sharing that email with you:

"Hey, I said I would send you some more info, here are some links that I've used to inform myself about herpes!

Dan Savage (listen to all his other stuff):

https://herpeslife.com/herpes-is-not-a-big-deal-dan-savage-love/

Good longform blog:

https://www.thehairpin.com/2012/04/the-perks-of-herpes

This is (not) my TED Talk:

https://elladawson.com/herpes/

This site has sooo much:

https://herpeslife.com

Thanks for asking and being interested in learning more!"

So Many Sex Ed Fails

Mon, 14 Jan 2019 12:00:00 -0500

You have a limited number of orgasms in life. Your penis will fall off if you get an infection. Kissing will get you pregnant. We asked you to share your "sex ed fails"—and you all had a lot to say.

This episode is part of our month-long series called Our Sex (Mis)Educations. Find the entire series here.

Want to tell us something? Email us any time at deathsexmoney@wnyc.org.

I Wanted To Be A "Good Girl"

Wed, 09 Jan 2019 12:00:00 -0500

Andrea grew up attending an evangelical church in Texas, where she was taught to abstain from sex until marriage and keep herself sexually "pure." That early sex education—and her decision to have premarital sex anyway—had long-lasting impact, well into her adulthood.

This episode kicks off our month-long series called Our Sex (Mis)Educations. Find the entire series here.

Want to tell us something? Email us any time at deathsexmoney@wnyc.org.

Our Sex (Mis)Educations

Tue, 08 Jan 2019 12:00:00 -0500

We learn about sex from a lot of different sources—parents, friends, classes in school, pop culture, and even pornography. But as adults, many of us have had the experience of realizing that a lot of what we’ve learned did more harm than good. "I feel kind of cheated," one listener told us when we asked for stories about your sex ed fails. "These healthy, normal experiences I was having that I associated with shame and guilt, I could have avoided had I had better education."

This month, Death, Sex & Money is looking at our collective sex miseducations: the bedroom baggage we’ve carried around for years, the things we wish we’d learned instead, and the stigmas we still can’t shake.

There’s always this piece that I’m having to overcome. This little mental thing in the back of my mind.

For a listener named Andrea, sex ed came from church. She grew up in an evangelical Christian community in Texas, where she was raised in the so-called "purity culture" that was popular in the 1990s. "I think the messaging [was] always that girls should behave themselves in a certain way," she told us. "Don’t be alone with a boy. Don’t dress in ways that might cause him to stumble [...] That message is burned into my brain." In the first episode of this series, Anna talks with Andrea about her on-again, off-again relationship with evangelical Christianity (including a period in her twenties when she worked for a church), and how she's still trying to find ease with sex and her body as an adult today.

But Andrea’s not the only one who’s trying to unlearn things she was taught about sex as a kid. When we asked you to tell us the most misguided things you learned about sex, we were overwhelmed by how much you had to share.

"Don’t kiss a boy or you might get pregnant."

"You have a limited number of orgasms in life."

"If you engage in sex, you’re going to contract a disease and your parts are going to fall off."

For the second episode of this series, we’re bringing you a supercut of all those sex ed fails...so we can collectively free ourselves of them once and for all.

For the last episode of this series, we’re talking sexually transmitted infections...because they affect a lot of us. 1 in 8 Americans has genital herpes. 40 percent of adults have HPV. And while the number of new HIV cases has remained steady in recent years, rates of gonorrhea, syphilis and chlamydia are all climbing. But when we asked you for your experiences of living with an STI, we heard over and over again how alone you can feel in your diagnosis. “There was a lot of shame and a lot of, you're untouchable —you're unlovable,” a listener named Conor told us about his experience of being diagnosed with herpes in his twenties. In the final episode of this series, we hear about the shame that can surround an STI diagnosis, the awkwardness many of us feel when disclosing one to potential partners, and how some of us are trying unlearning the stigmas we’re taught about what it actually means to be sexually healthy.

Also: How do you tell a potential partner about your STI? We want to hear from you!

To wrap up our month-long look at our sex (mis)educations, we revisit our conversation about the role that porn plays in your life. For some of you, porn has helped you explore your sexuality. For others, it's become a problem. Hear your stories about secret hard drives, fantasy plot lines, illegal downloads, titillating Tumblr feeds and giving porn up completely.

MORE RESOURCES

Looking for more information about living with an STI? Head over here. (There, you'll also find the email that Conor, from our episode on STIs, sends to potential new partners to help them learn about his herpes diagnosis. Thanks to him for sharing it with us!)

And last year, our friends at Radiolab produced their own series about sex and sex ed, called Gonads. As part of that project, they collected sex ed book suggestions from listeners and staff, about the books that helped them understand the birds and the bees.

Check out the full Gonads Presents: Sex Ed Bookshelf here! Here are a few highlights:

book reviewsbook club

When A Banker Was Called To The Convent

Wed, 19 Dec 2018 12:00:00 -0500

Sister Josephine Garrett grew up Baptist and worked her way up the corporate ladder—only to realize in her late 20s that she wanted to convert to Catholicism and become a nun.

It's the end of the year, and we need you — yes, YOU! — to keep Death, Sex & Money going strong! Your year-end donation of $75 combined with the support of other listeners will really help us plan for the year to come. Donate now at deathsexmoney.org/donate.

And if you're not already getting our newsletter, sign up! Every Wednesday we send out podcast listening recommendations, fascinating letters from our inbox and updates about the show. We also let our subscribers know about upcoming live events and ways you can contribute your stories to Death, Sex & Money. Sign up at deathsexmoney.org/newsletter.

Stay connected to us via Twitter, Facebook and Instagram. Want to tell us something? Email us any time at deathsexmoney@wnyc.org.

I Married A Dreamer During The Trump Presidency

Wed, 05 Dec 2018 12:00:00 -0500

Vanessa and Freddy had been dating for just a few months when she first brought up the idea of marriage, while they were eating at their favorite taco place. "He just was silent, like he just looked at me, and then looked down at his food and kept eating," Vanessa told me. "I'm like, um are you gonna say something? And then he eventually said, I take marriage very seriously and I would never want to go down that path just because of legal status."

Freddy was born in Mexico, but has lived in the U.S. since he was six. He was undocumented until 2013, when he became one of the almost 700,000 young people who were given temporary permission to stay under President Obama's Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals (DACA) program. Then, last fall, President Trump declared that he was canceling DACA—throwing Freddy's future in the U.S. into question.

Vanessa and Freddy are married now, but there's still no clear path to permanent legal status for Freddy as the courts decide the fate of DACA program. The worry that Freddy might be deported hangs over their relationship—particularly for Vanessa. "What happens if they cancel DACA and then they go after all the DACA recipients and we have a baby?" Vanessa told me. But for Freddy, the prospect of losing his legal status in the U.S. doesn't faze him as much. "My thought is, I have done so much without it than with it, you know? So that's not going to change anything for me. It’s not going to stop me."

Married, Paralyzed and Moving On

Tue, 20 Nov 2018 12:00:00 -0500

Two years ago, Hiroki Takeuchi was paralyzed from the waist down in a cycling accident. It was just weeks after he and his wife, Rachel Swidenbank, got married. When we first spoke in early 2017, Hiroki was still figuring out the basics of day-to-day life in a wheelchair: how to drive an adapted car, how to get up and down stairs, how to use the bathroom on his own. Rachel stopped working to care for Hiroki in those early days. There were a lot of unknowns about the future, and what Hiroki's body would and wouldn't be capable of.

When we spoke recently, they told me that Hiroki is now fully independent when it comes to his daily routines, and that they're both back to work. "It's been progress, progress, progress, progress," Rachel said. "And then like maybe the last three, four months it's kind of flattened out in terms of what you would classify as progress." One thing that they haven't yet fully figured out: sex. "We definitely have a lot of intimacy and you know, a lot of closeness," Hiroki told me. "But...I think that there's so much baggage around it."

Rachel and Hiroki did recently find out that having a child together is possible via IVF. While they're not ready to start that process quite yet, it was exciting news for them—and it's made Hiroki think about what being a father might look like for him. "One of the things that really worried me was that I wouldn't be able to be a proper dad to our children," he said. "I think there's a level of like you know redefining what fatherhood means through a different lens. It doesn't mean it's worse, it's just different."

Traveling for the holiday this week? Take our Podcasts We're Thankful For playlist — with episode suggestions from podcast hosts like PJ Vogt, Tracy Clayton, Phoebe Judge and Kelly McEvers — along with you!

John Green Thinks Adulthood is Underrated

Thu, 08 Nov 2018 12:00:00 -0500

Author John Green is a master of connecting with young people. His YA novels, and the popular YouTube channel he runs with his younger brother Hank, have created massive communities of teenage fans all over the world. But when he was growing up in Orlando, John himself often felt isolated from his peers. Anxiety and obsessive thoughts plagued him, starting when he was a kid. "The feeling of not being able to choose thoughts, [...] of not being able to reassure myself, and not being able to be reassured by people who loved me was really scary," he told me. "It meant that my self was built on a foundation of sand on some level."

In his twenties, after a period of severe crisis after college, John received a diagnosis of obsessive compulsive disorder. He began taking medication to help manage it, and when he started his family and moved to Indianapolis, it felt like things were settling down. Then, in 2012, he published his bestselling novel The Fault in Our Stars. A movie deal followed, and soon, John found himself at the center of a multi-million dollar empire. "It felt like there was a lot of attention on that story and, by proxy, on me," he told me. "And I had always wanted that, I always sought that out, but when it happened it was overwhelming at first." In fact, it was so overwhelming that it sent John into the second serious mental health crisis of his life—one that felt all the more debilitating because he was now a dad and husband. This week, he tells me about getting healthy again after that period, and why he's learned that so many things about adulthood—including having comfortable shoes—are really great.

John and his brother Hank host three of their own podcasts, all of which are now part of the WNYC Studios family. Listen to Dear Hank and John, The Anthropocene Reviewed, and SciShow Tangents wherever you get your podcasts.

And if you find yourself in a moment of crisis like John did, and need to talk with someone, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline is 1-800-273-TALK (8255). They're open 24/7—please ask for help.

Why Governor Jennifer Granholm Cut Her Hair

Wed, 31 Oct 2018 12:00:00 -0400

When Jennifer Granholm ran for Attorney General of Michigan in 1998, she had three young children at home — including a 10 month old baby. But that was not something she wanted voters to know about. "You didn't even really see my husband," Jennifer told me. "It was all about this disembodied creature who was going to fight for you because you don't want to remind people of the mess that is a family and all of that."

Jennifer's life in politics was quite a change from how she started her career, as a former beauty pageant contestant who moved to Los Angeles right out of high school to try to break into acting. She was quickly turned off by the culture there. "That casting couch thing was real," she told me, describing requests for sexual favors at auditions. "I went on interviews where people would say 'Hey, I've got 50 girls outside lined up who are willing to do A, B, or C. Why should I give this to you if you don't play the game?'

"I was so mad about it, I said I'm going to leave here, I'm going to go to the best university I can get into, going to get the best grades possible. I'm going to go to law school and I'll show them!"

After graduating from Harvard Law School and practicing law in Michigan, Jennifer won the Attorney General's race in 1998, and in 2002 she also won the race to become the first female governor of Michigan. She was still in office as the global financial crisis and automotive industry bankruptcies simultaneously hit her state in 2008 and 2009 — and took a lot of the blame for it. "I would say to anybody who's deciding whether or not to run for office timing is really important," she laughed. "I feel sad for me personally. If I can be sorry for myself. I feel sad that I governed at a time when I am seen as being responsible for the high unemployment rate in Michigan."

—

This episode is a collaboration with the podcast The United States of Anxiety. Check out their entire third season—all about gender and power—here. One of our favorite episodes from this season is all about the Anita Hill testimony in 1991. (Listen back to one of our first episodes, with former Wyoming senator Alan Simpson and his wife, Ann, to hear the couple talking about how Al's participation in those hearings affected their relationship.)

Tell Us Your Sex Ed Fails

Tue, 30 Oct 2018 12:00:00 -0400

What did you learn about sex that you wish you hadn't? Send a voice memo about how sex ed failures played out in your own life to deathsexmoney@wnyc.org. And we're working with the BBC on this project, so we'd especially love to hear from our listeners in the UK!

The Death, Sex & Money eye mask is here! Sign on to become a sustaining member of the show at $8 a month, and we'll send you your very own DSM gel eye mask...perfect for popping on when you're ready to listen to a podcast, and tell the world you're in do-not-disturb mode. Go to deathsexmoney.org/donate to see it.

Subscribe to our weekly email newsletter! Every Wednesday we send out podcast listening recommendations, fascinating letters from our inbox and updates from the show. Sign up at deathsexmoney.org/newsletter.

And follow the show on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram.

When Fire Takes Everything: Rebuilding in Northern California

Wed, 17 Oct 2018 12:00:00 -0400

In the middle of the night on October 8th, 2017, Ed and Kathy Hamilton were woken up by banging on their front door. When they opened it, their neighbor was standing there, and behind her, the sky was glowing red. "It was just a scene from hell," Ed says. "It’s indescribable." A few hours later, their home burned down in the deadliest and most destructive wildfire in California history. Ed and Kathy became one of thousands of families deciding how—or if—to rebuild in a part of the country where wildfires are becoming mroe intense and destructive with each passing year.

This week, in partnership with KQED in San Francisco, we're looking at what happens after the smoke has cleared. For Ed and Kathy, recovery means reconstructing their home to nearly the exact specifications of the house that stood there before. But that's possible for them because they had good insurance, and a big financial safety net. For many others, who were underinsured or had no insurance, that's not an option. Bart Levenson found herself stuck in limbo for years after a 2015 wildfire destroyed her home, despite her best efforts to be prepared. Earlier this year, Bart spoke to KQED reporter Sukey Lewis at the abandoned resort that was her temporary home for years after the fire. "It's just so big what happened," she said. "I didn't know this was going to be the most stuck I'd ever be in my whole life."

If you want to hear more stories about how communities and individuals in California are navigating the aftermath of wildfires, check out KQED's podcast The Bay. In particular, we recommend their recent episode featuring Sukey Lewis's interview with a young woman named Kayla Swaim, and another recent episode about the arguments for and against rebuilding in areas that continue to be vulnerable to wildfire.

If you're curious to learn more about how better design can keep homes from burning, even in severe wildfires, check out Death, Sex & Money producer Stephanie Joyce's recent reporting for 99% Invisible. She explores the science behind how we could reduce our collective fire risk, and the reasons why we don't.

And to read Kathy Hamilton's blog, where she's chronicled their rebuilding process (and their spending!), head on over here.

I Served 27 Years In Prison. Now, I'm Out On Parole.

Wed, 03 Oct 2018 12:00:00 -0400

"Sometimes I wake up, and I say, what if I wake up, and I'm in my bedroom? And I wake up and I always see the bars there. And I wonder [about] the day when I’m going to wake up and I’m not going to see the bars there."

That's what Lawrence Bartley told me the first time I spoke to him in 2014. I was interviewing him at Sing Sing prison in New York, where he was serving a sentence of 27 years to life for second degree murder.

That day came this past May, when Lawrence was paroled, and walked out of Sing Sing a free man. After a few months out, he and his wife, Ronnine, joined me to talk about their life as a family on the outside—how Ronnine navigated a difficult year after Lawrence's first request for parole was denied, how they've approached parenting their two young sons together, and how Lawrence is thinking back on the crime he was imprisoned for now that he's free.

I spoke with Lawrence and Ronnine before, first in 2014, and then again last summer, when he was getting ready to go before the parole board for the first time. Find those episodes here and here.

You can read the essay Lawrence wrote in prison for The Marshall Project here.

Jane Fonda After Death and Divorce, Revisted

Wed, 19 Sep 2018 12:00:00 -0400

What do you think of when you think of Jane Fonda? The sexy space traveller from Barbarella? Vietnam War activist? Fitness goddess? Fonda has had quite the career. She’s also had three marriages — to a French director, an anti-war activist, and the billionaire Ted Turner — and each ended in divorce. When she found herself newly single at 62, she felt whole for the first time. Now, she says she’d disappear into a monastery before getting married again.

When I spoke with her in 2014, she told me about her mother's suicide when she was a girl, her father Henry Fonda's long decline, and the lessons she learned by choosing to be alone. Now, we're bringing you that conversation again—because it's one of those ones that sticks with you.

Jane Fonda is the subject of the new HBO documentary Jane Fonda in Five Acts, premiering September 24. Watch the trailer and make sure to check it out:

Hot Dates: Last Summer Nights

Wed, 05 Sep 2018 12:00:00 -0400

A lot has changed over the course of the summer for the group of eight listeners whose dating lives we've been following in real-time—they've been through breakups, hookups, move-ins, friends that might become more than friends and awkward dates. For many of them, those experiences have prompted reflection about what it is they want out of dating, and in this final episode of our series, they fill me on why that isn't always what they thought they wanted.

We know that sometimes, being single can be more fun than it seems! So we want to celebrate the times in your life when you're not planning around anyone else. Head on over to our interactive Google spreadsheet where you can share the ways you treat yourself well when you're on your own, and get some inspiration from other listeners.

Nick Offerman Can Take Directions

Wed, 22 Aug 2018 12:00:00 -0400

Nick Offerman is famous for playing the unsentimental, bacon-loving, alpha-male Ron Swanson on Parks and Recreation. But for a long time after moving to Los Angeles in his mid-20s, he was a struggling actor, best known for being married to Megan Mullally, who played Karen on Will & Grace. He told me about meeting Megan while he was living in a friend's unfinished basement, and about building a life with her in Los Angeles, far from his hometown in Illinois. "I spent a lot of time sort of shedding my middle American skin as it were," he told me. "I had to let the world know—but really, it was for me—that I was not a a buttoned-up conservative from a small town. Even though that's what I was."

One of Nick's newest projects is the movie Hearts Beat Loud. Check out the trailer:

Alzheimer's and the World's Saddest Comedy Club

Wed, 08 Aug 2018 12:00:00 -0400

Comedian Chris Garcia has always incorporated stories about his Cuban-American family into his sets. But after his father died from Alzheimer's, Chris started using his comedy to process his own grief, and to memorialize his dad. He also found solace talking to other comedians who had lost their own parents.

Now, Chris is bringing some of those conversations about death, family and comedy to a new audio project with WNYC Studios. This week, we're bringing you an early listen of what he's been working on. You'll hear Chris talk with his mother Ana, and with Karen Kilgariff, a fellow comedian and cohost of the podcast My Favorite Murder.

This project is a work in progress—but we’re sharing it with you now because WNYC Studios wants your feedback as we explore new shows and new ideas. So after you listen, head over to deathsexmoney.org/pilot to tell us what you think.

Hot Dates: From One Hot Dater to Another

Thu, 02 Aug 2018 12:00:00 -0400

Ceci is 36 and lives in a city in California, Miracle is 25 and lives in a small town in Alabama. But when they got together to talk, they discovered there's a lot of overlap between their dating experiences. They talked about the family and social pressures they feel as young, single women, what happened when Ceci changed her race from "mixed" to "Hispanic" on her dating apps and the big changes in their dating lives since we last checked in with them.

All summer, we're following a group of listeners as they date in real time around the country. We're calling this series Hot Dates—if you missed the introductory episode, go back and listen to it first.

Tig Notaro Isn't a Blob Anymore

Wed, 25 Jul 2018 12:00:00 -0400

Tig Notaro had big plans for the year she turned 41—after spending her 20s and 30s on the road building her comedy career, she was finally going to fulfill her dream of becoming a parent. Instead, Tig's life fell apart. In the span of six months, she contracted a life-threatening infection, her mother died in an accident and Tig was diagnosed with stage two breast cancer. She talked about all of it on stage at Largo, the comedy club in Los Angeles, and the set went viral.

That terrible year changed a lot of things for Tig. She got an explosion of job offers, she got married, and six years later, she is finally a parent. When we spoke, she told me that building a family has totally upended her life—in a good way. "My life before them—I was just a blob floating around the universe," she said. "I just, I don’t even understand what I was doing, I don’t understand. I don’t understand my existence."

This week, we're also asking for your stories. Send us a voice memo or email about something you've gone through that you wish you heard more people talking about. Here are a few of our favorite listener-driven episodes, for inspiration.

Hot Dates: Open to Open Relationships

Mon, 23 Jul 2018 12:00:00 -0400

Since we first talked, Jessie emailed to confess something about her dating life that she didn't tell me before. Plus, June's off Tinder!

Subscribe to our weekly email newsletter, if you haven't already. Every Wednesday we send out podcast listening recommendations, fascinating letters from our inbox and updates from the show. Sign up at deathsexmoney.org/newsletter.

And follow the show on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram. Got a story to share? Email us any time at deathsexmoney@wnyc.org.

Manhood, Now: Live

Thu, 12 Jul 2018 12:00:00 -0400

As we've been talking about Manhood, Now over the last month, we've heard from a lot of you that conversations about masculinity can be hard to start. So, we decided to try and have one together—on live radio. CNN's W. Kamau Bell joined me, and together, we took calls from all over the country about how expectations are shifting for men right now, what you learned about being men from the role models you grew up with (and what you're relearning now), and how we can all get better at having these kinds of conversations.

What books, articles, and podcasts have changed how you think about masculinity? Find suggestions from other Death, Sex & Money listeners, and contribute your own recommendations here!

W. Kamau Bell is the host of CNN's United Shades of America, and the author of The Awkward Thoughts of W. Kamau Bell. His new Netflix special is Private School Negro.

A Wife Interviews Her Husband About Manhood, Now

Wed, 11 Jul 2018 12:00:00 -0400

After we put out our episode Manhood, Now, we heard from a lot of you that you're hungry for more conversations about what's changing for men right now. We've been talking about all of this in public, but we're particularly curious about how these conversations are happening in private right now—at work, with friends, and in romantic relationships. And today, two of our listeners are giving us all a peek into how they're talking about this together.

Ryan and Alex are a husband and wife who live in D.C. Earlier this week, they were getting dressed and talking about masculinity, when Alex decided to take out her phone and start recording their conversation. She sent us that audio earlier this week, and now, with their permission, we're sharing it with you.

This episode is part of our ongoing conversation about masculinity today. Find more about the project at deathsexmoney.org/men.

We love getting audio from our listeners! Send us your voice memos, to deathsexmoney@wnyc.org

Manhood Now: What You're Reading

Wed, 11 Jul 2018 01:00:00 -0400

We've been thinking a lot about what's changing for men, and we wanted to know about other resources that have helped our listeners think about gender. Here's what you recommended to us:

BOOKS

Death, Sex & Money's bookshelf: read

Death, Sex & Money's favorite books »

book reviewsbook club

ARTICLES

Understanding Patriarchy (bell hooks)

Lessons from a Paratrooper in Combat on how to be a ‘Good Man.’ (The Good Men Project)

How to Raise a Feminist Son (NY Times)

Why men fight: An empirical investigation of the extremes of masculinity (Quartz)

The Man Box: A Study on Being a Young Man in the US, UK, and Mexico (Promundo)

PODCASTS

The Lonely American Man (Hidden Brain)

Pansy (The Heart)

The Art of Manliness Podcast

John Wayne, Donald Trump, and the American Man (Radio Atlantic)

BONUS: FILM

20th Century Women

The Mask You Live In

Hot Dates: "I'm Supposed to Be Certain"

Mon, 09 Jul 2018 12:00:00 -0400

The first time we talked to Dan, he was wrestling with how to navigate consent in the #MeToo era. This week, he and I dig a little deeper.

Tune into public radio stations around the country on July 11 for our call-in special about manhood today. Details at deathsexmoney.org. To get a reminder when we're going live, text the word "man" to 70101.

And follow the show on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram. Got a story to share? Email us any time at deathsexmoney@wnyc.org.

How to Be a Man With Bill Withers, Revisited

Wed, 04 Jul 2018 12:00:00 -0400

When I spoke with songwriting legend Bill Withers, for the very first episode of Death, Sex & Money, we talked about what it is to be a man. Withers told me it might not be manly to say "I'm scared," but that being a man isn't about ignoring fear. It's about getting things done in spite of it, and knowing when to ask for help.

This week, in honor of his 80th birthday, and our ongoing conversation about manhood today, we decided to revisit the episode, which is still one of my favorites.

Before Withers wrote some of the most memorable hits of the 70s and 80s—songs like “Ain’t No Sunshine,” and “Lean on Me”—he was a stuttering boy, growing up in a West Virginia mining town. We talked about leaving that small town, caring for his dying father, and what he likes to watch when he's choosing not to exercise in the morning.

Happy birthday, Mr. Withers.

Hot Dates: A Middle School Teacher Walks Into A Bar...

Wed, 27 Jun 2018 12:00:00 -0400

When we first met Miracle, she wasn't on any dating apps—because she still lives in the small city she grew up in, she was afraid she'd come across people she went to high school with. Since we first talked, she decided to try Bumble, and her fears were realized...sort of. Plus, Ceci finds out who her mystery texts are coming from, and Vicki discovers that doctors make good dates.

Manhood, Now

Wed, 20 Jun 2018 12:00:00 -0400

"Don’t be weak. Don’t be small. Don’t be poor. Don’t be emotional. Don’t be feminine. Don’t be aggressive. Don’t be unapproachable. Don’t be sexist. Don’t be patronizing. Don’t be entitled. Don’t be unemotional. Don’t be big. Don’t be loud.

You might notice a lot of contradictions here."

We're in a moment where what it means to be a man is shifting—and to some men, it feels like there are a lot of mixed messages floating around. As one man put it to us, "there’s a very unclear set of expectations as far as how a man should behave." But while we've heard a lot of talk about men in this moment, we've heard fewer conversations with men. So we asked you: what's the most confusing thing about being a man today?

A recent college graduate named Alex, 23, worries about women not seeing him as masculine enough and explains why he spends time in toxic corners of “the manosphere.” A kindergarten teacher named Jack, 33, says his students embrace gender fluidity in the classroom, but as a trans man, he has found himself running up against gender norms outside school. Dre, 47, a former drug dealer who’s now a business owner, thinks back on the life-and-death stakes of being seen as masculine when he was dealing and reflects on how his values have changed since. And Luke*, 71, describes what it means for him to be an “impotent older man” after finding his identity as a young man through lots of casual sex.

In their stories, and in those of the other men we spoke to for this episode, we heard confusion, ambivalence, resentment, and also optimism—a sense that in this moment of transition, there's more space for men to figure out what kind of men they actually want to be. Others feel unmoored without a new roadmap to follow. "I get this kind of paralysis," a listener named Duane told me, "Where you’re trying to be all these different things at the same time and unlearn past behaviors, and I know I’m not the only one that gets stuck there."

There’s a very unclear set of expectations as far as how a man should behave.

And we also wanted to bring more of you into the conversation—so we got together for an hour of live radio about manhood, now. CNN's W. Kamau Bell joined me, and together, we took your calls from across the country about shifting expectations for men right now, the ways you're reevaluating the role models you've had, and how we can all get better at having these conversations together:

Beyond our conversations with Death, Sex & Money listeners, we also wanted to get a sense of how men are thinking about being men right now on a broader scale. So in partnership with FiveThirtyEight and SurveyMonkey, we surveyed over 1600 American men about what they learned about being men, where they learned it from, and which lessons they’re rethinking in this moment.

You can see the full results of that survey data here, but here are a few statistics that stood out to us:

A majority of men said that they feel external pressure from society, and those numbers are especially high for younger men.

On top of feeling pressure from society, men also feel their own internal stresses, especially around issues of body image and money.

But even as they feel those stresses, many men deal with them alone. Nearly half said they frequently or sometimes feel lonely, more than 40% say they've never or rarely ask a friend for personal advice, and more than two-thirds of men say they've never been to see a therapist.

To read more findings from the survey, head over to FiveThirtyEight.

*Name changed

Click here to read a transcript of the episode.

We want to hear your reactions to this episode! Share them on social using the hashtag #ManhoodNow, or email us: deathsexmoney@wnyc.org

Hot Dates: Help from an OKCupid Guru

Thu, 14 Jun 2018 12:00:00 -0400

In the third installment of our series Hot Dates, we check in with Louis, who's trying to date in D.C. and frustrated by how it's going. It's still hard—so we asked Tobin Low, cohost of the WNYC Studios podcast Nancy, to weigh in with some advice from his own time on OKCupid. Plus, Ceci tells us about some anonymous texts she's been getting.

And if you're looking to expand your social circle—romantic or otherwise—check out Nancy's friendship project: How to Get a Gaggle.

Hot Dates: Do As I Say, Not As I Do

Fri, 08 Jun 2018 12:00:00 -0400

One of our summer daters has had some big changes in his love life already.

And follow the show on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram. Got a story to share? Email us any time at deathsexmoney@wnyc.org.

John Prine Wanted to Be Normal

Wed, 06 Jun 2018 12:00:00 -0400

I've loved John Prine's music a long time—I grew up singing his songs around campfires in West Virginia. But before he was a regular in my music collection, John was performing at open mics in Chicago, and paying his bills by delivering mail. So when he hit it big with his first album in 1971, he says that getting use to fame was a shock. "I was writing about things private to me and dear to me," he told me. "And to have people know me before they shook my hand was odd to me." And John says that in his life, he's felt odd himself. "That’s how I ended up making my living, being Mr. Oddball," he says. "I get these thoughts, and I like to make them into songs. They might sound odd at the time, but then people connect to them throughout their life. And it turns out I’m doing something that may resemble something solid."

In the years since getting famous, John has started a family, battled cancer twice, and along the way, gotten more comfortable with being known. His new album is The Tree of Forgiveness—and it's brought him the best album sales of his career. To get it written, John told me, his wife and stepson sent him to a hotel room in Nashville and told him to get to work. "I would knock around during the day and go get a hot dog," he told me about his writing process. "And at nighttime, I’d start writing about three in the morning, order room service up, have a party by myself and end up with a couple songs every day."

Hot Dates: Romance Right Now

Wed, 30 May 2018 12:00:00 -0400

A lot is changing about how we date right now, from how we meet people, to who pays, and how we talk about sex. It's complicated, but for many people, summer is the time to try. So as we head into the warmer months, we've asked a group of listeners to let us check in with them as they date. In this first episode, you'll meet:

• Louis, a guy in Washington D.C., who's constantly ghosted by the men he matches with on dating apps.

• Miracle, a woman in Alabama who's not using dating apps at all...but isn't having better luck meeting people at her church.

• "Thomas," a young divorcee we originally met in our episode about breakups, who's learning to keep things casual.

• Jessie, a software developer in Montana who's figuring out how to be comfortable earning more than most of the men she dates.

• Dan, a recent widower who's navigating the new rules of consent and gender dynamics.

• Ceci, a 36 year old woman in Sacramento who's looking for commitment, but knows not to settle to find it.

• Vicki, a journalist in her sixties who's enjoying casual dating and sex, and has no interest in becoming a caregiver to an older boyfriend.

• And June, a college Junior who uses Tinder to scope out who around her is single and looking.

We'll be checking back in with these listeners over the course of the summer as they swipe their way to love...or at least, some good stories.